Archive for School

Books For Bullets, A 23 Year Old Freshman

Posted in Comedy, Humor, Life, Military, School with tags , , , , , , on August 17, 2011 by deviant11b

        I graduated highschool in 2007, I graduated with a fairly low GPA and without taking the SATs. Why did I do this? Because the Army didn’t care what grades I made, or if I took the SATs. All they cared about was the fact that I graduated, and had a clean criminal record. Almost five years later this is coming back to bite me in the ass. As of today I’m three months away from getting out of the Army and beginning my new life.

      This may sound odd, but I’m more nervous about getting out of the Army than I ever was about joining, or even deploying. I’ll be on my own for real now, with bills I’ll need to pay, and jobs that can actually fire me for whatever reason they want. I’ll have to start watching my mouth lest I bring a harassment suit against me. I’ll have to mature even more, and stop farting whenever I feel like it. Right now short of drinking and driving my decisions don’t really have any real consequences. Yes, the real world is a daunting place to live in, and I can’t help but feel like I’m stuck in the starting block watching the other runners get a couple of laps head start.

     When I begin school this Spring I will be a 23-year-old freshman, now since I’ll be going to a community school for the first semester I wont feel so out-of-place, but when I go to the university I’m planning on going to I’ll feel like an old man. I cant help but feel like I wont be too far off from Luke Wilson in Old School living by a college partaking in its pleasures as an old man. Now if I happen to fall into bed with Elisha Cuthbert I wont ever complain again, but since that’s about as likely to happen as Israel and Pakistan giving each other a slap and tickle, I shall continue to gripe.

      Its been four years since I last used my brain for anything other than figuring out if I had enough in my bank account for a case of beer. Sine and cosine are something used for signatures and joint business ventures to me. Obtuse simply describes a leadership style, while acute is the type of anxiety I get when thinking of school, rather than describing triangles. I consider alge-bra to be just another of Victorias Secrets(how lame was that?) All the young whiper snappers I’ll be going to school with are fresh off 12 years of continuous schooling. There is an upside though, I’ll have a leg up on them on everything other than academics. I can buy beer. I have many more life experiences. My maturity level is higher than most people my age, although my sense of humor would beg otherwise. I can talk to women rather than stare at their chest, knowing that eye contact leads to skin contact later. unfortunately no schools in America have classes that grade on any of my advantages. I’ll have to relearn most of the things I never learned in the first place. Tests now will be more complicated than running for two miles or shooting off 40 rounds of 5.56. Now I’m sure I’ll succeed, if for nothing else then to never have to join the Army again, but I’m still incredibly apprehensive.

        Most of the people I graduated with are now finished with college and are off to careers not jobs. Some are doing advanced schooling to become doctors, and lawyers, and such. When it comes time to finally look for a career I’ll be 27 maybe 28 meaning I might be able to retire at 70. That’s assuming I find a job out of the gate, really though I have no idea what Id like to do. Id like to write for a living, but magazines, and newspapers are going the way of Sarah Palin’s career. Id like to have a cool job like a US marshal, or FBI but my experience in the Army has told me nothing is ever as exciting as Hollywood makes it out to be. I might like to teach, but If I come across a student that acts like I did I would be fired for beating up a kid. Id like to play a sport as a job, but I have a whole shit load of work to do for that one. Basically I’m drifting down a creek of feces with no out board motor… or something like that.

       Ahh college kids, while I don’t have a lot of experience with them, I’ve had some. Now most are alright and I’ve gotten along with them well, but others are horrible, nasty creatures that think they know everything. I once sat in on a class where a kid said all infantrymen were stoopid folk, I took offense to that one but behaved myself because I didn’t want to embarrass the girl I was with. When I’m off on my own though I’ll have no second thoughts about embarrassing myself with retaliation. I cant stand some of the kids that go to college. I’m sure you know some of them. They think they need to force their opinions on everyone. They think they are right, and everyone else is wrong. They think the government is out to conquer the world, and therefore all soldiers are evil little minions. I will not do anything to sway their beliefs, instead I will probably just act like an evil minion and give them a wedgie or hang them by their shoes and laugh. In all seriousness though, Im a grown man who has done two deployments, and should someone feel the need to insult me I wont take kindly to it.

     Dating should be fun, I know that it might be OK for Seniors to go out with Freshman, but I might be one of the older people in some classes. Everytime I would look at another Freshman girl Id feel like a guy on to catch a predator, slowly eating his cookies before being tackled and tazed by the local PD.

     When you do one thing for four straight years, you get very comfortable in the pattern you set. In a few short months I’ll have no pattern, and no safety net. I’ll be tossed to the wolves with fresh meat dangling from my appendages. While I am most certainly nervous about getting out and going to college, I am also very excited. I’ll finally get to experience college. The parties, the football games, the endless hitting on women, oh and the whole learning thing will be fun too. I know I’ll do alright though, because I know what its like on the other side. I know what its like to spend years away from family and friends. I know what its like to be 22 and have someone come into your room and tell you it’s not clean enough. I know what its like to sweat my ass off for six hours, only to have to sweat for six more. Most importantly I know that after December, I never want to do those things again. So I know I’ll do alright when it comes time for school.

Add-vice From A Jean-E-Yus

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , on August 4, 2011 by deviant11b

       So far all of my entries here have been on a topic, today I am going to pick up that template, dust it off, and break the shit out of it. All your going to find here is awesome advice from an awesome(er) individual, who apparently decided to take everything he knew about spelling and grammar, and send it the way of the now smoldering template.

ADVICE ON LIFE

  • Just quit… It makes life easier, and tells people that you are indeed your own man.
  • Hold as many grudges as you can. It may not be healthy, but you will feel mean, and tough, and badass, and well… and just fuck him. He NEVER should have taken my pudding in 8th grade.
  • Make something your life, preferably a fad. That way when beanie babies all go out of style we can easily identify you as someone not to talk to.
  • When you come to a fork in the road DONT take it. You have no idea whose mouth it’s been in.
  • Be an ass hole to everyone. The fewer friends you have, the less you’ll be hit up for a few bucks or a favor.

ADVICE ON LOVE

  • When on a date observe the five second rule, and pick up any pennies you see on the sidewalk. Women love a man who’s good with saving money.
  • Go ahead and fart on the first date. Your just telling her its ok to let one out, everyone does it, and I know she’s been holding one in since you picked her up.
  • Make her pay for everything. Equal rights, equal pay. Fuck you, you asked for it…suffragers.
  • Never ever under any circumstance make eye contact with a woman who has fake boobs. She didn’t pay good money for you to ignore them. So be polite and stare at those things.
  • When finished fornicating before marriage. Hold yourself while rocking back and forth in the fetal position, cry, and tell her your going to hell. When she gives you an odd look reassure her its ok because she will be going to.
  • When dating online make sure to have an axe in your profile picture. Women love guys that are good at chopping stuff.
  • Feel free to look at the other women. Tell her how much prettier they are. Lying ruins relationships.

ADVICE FOR WORK

  • Showing up late doesn’t tell your boss shit other than you know how to rock your shit out!
  • Same for showing up drunk/hung over.
  • And wearing the same clothes.
  • When you take the last of the coffee, throw the pot violently at the wall and yell at Bob for not making more. No one will question he was the last person to drink the coffee. Bobs an asshole.
  • No romance in the work place… unless its your boss. Sexual harassment anyone???
  • Casual Fridays were invented by a man who showed initiative. Show some your self and observe topless Tuesdays.
  • Your boss is an asshole, treat him accordingly. Not only will he appreciate the honesty, but he will see the brown nosers for what they are… agreeable.

ADVICE FOR SCHOOL

  • Pay some one to take your tests for you. Your parents aren’t shelling out all that money for you to get grades that reflect your intelligence. Sun Ziou lives next door slip him a hundo and get daddy that A he’s paying for.
  • Or sleep with your teacher.
  • If you’re a woman and the teacher grades on a curve, dress provocatively. The guys will pay attention to you more than the class work lowering the average grade thus raising your grade higher than their tented pants. (note: this will not work in home ec or theater.)
  • Sleep in class. This will give you more energy when your digging deep for that last keg stand later on in the night.
  • Burn bridges. You will never see these people again.

ADVICE FOR MONEY

  • It does indeed grow on trees. Its made of paper duh…
  • Go wild with it. You could die tomorrow, and unless you have an AMEX black card St. Peters is going on merit alone when it comes to admittance to the pearly gates.
  • Beg, borrow, or steal was invented before security cameras and satellites. Therefore stay away from banks, rob liquor stores. alcoholics use cash so their spouses wont know their buying it, and the cameras inside never work.
  • Make funny money, it may be a capital offense, but so are those awful shoes.
  • Contrary to popular belief, making it rain is a great way to spend money.

      There ya go folks, some of my most prized wisdom passed on to you. Use it well and make sure you tell them where you heard such sage advice.