Archive for Men

Travel Advisory: Dos and Dont’s

Posted in Advice, Comedy, Humor, Life with tags , , , , , , , on October 13, 2011 by deviant11b

We are entering the second largest travel season of the year, we’ve already gone on Spring Break and lowered our inhibitions for a week, so now its time to travel for the sheer pleasure of traveling rather than the strange people who wake up next to you after a night of doing shots and yelling “This is to my dog sparkyyy!!!!”. There are several things you need to remember when traveling and I hope to help everyone out in this post. What to pack, how to pack it, where to go, where not to go, there are several key ingredients to a successful vacay and I know at least 10% of the recipe.

What to pack: Not always as easy as you’d think it is. Take this scenario you live in Alaska, its snowing outside, dark all the time, and the polar bears are trying to break down your door to eat your young. In a panic you through a parka, snow pants, snow shoes, and a shotgun into your carry on luggage. You drive to the airport and pick up your ticket to Florida. “Fuck” you think, “What am I going to do with this parka?”. That’s not the biggest of your worries though, you forget the shotgun in your back pack that was thrown in due to an instinctual urge to protect your Eskimo tykes. You move to the security check point and wait in line until its your turn to be scanned, you toss your baggage onto the x-ray belt and move through the body scanner. The next thing you know your being tackled to the ground and hit with billy clubs as everyone else runs in terror at the sight of a shot-gun. Now if you don’t want that happening to you pay attention to what I’m about to tell you. Pack for where your going, not where your coming from. Pack shorts for Florida, jeans for chicago, and a bikini for Africa. Leave your guns at home, unless your planning on selling drugs on vacation. If that’s the case follow the rules and put them in your checked luggage.

How to pack it: Preferably in a suitcase, but a duffel bag will do in a pinch. Socks and unmentionables go in the top slots of the suit case, slacks on the bottom, and shirts go on top. Sex toys always go in dark non-see through bags, you don’t want a TSA agent holding something up asking “Whose giant 12 inch black dildo is this?” You will turn more red quicker than the tiny rabbit he missed that was in the same bag. Just don’t bring liquids at all, when you get there, buy tiny week-long hygiene supplies, 12 bucks wont kill you.

Dressing for the airport: Theres one rule for each gender. Women dress down, and men dress up. Women should wear sweats at all times in the airport because the one thing on every mans mind while in the air and sipping on their seven dollar beer is how awesome it would be to join the mile high club with the woman sitting next to him on the plane. Sweats will help you ward off those pesky fellas. Men need to dress up so they can claim they are on their way to an important business meeting in France, or Germany, or where ever sounds good at the moment. You will never see your plane neighbor again so lie your ass off about what you do. If you’re a janitor on the way to a different state because you couldn’t quite clean up to Arizona’s standards than tell them your being relocated to headquarters in New York, and that you gave up your first class ticket to a soldier that is flying home. Sure fire approach all the time.

Where to go: Well its cold outside so fly somewhere warm, California and Florida have beaches that are open all year round so go there and act like you’ve never seen the ocean before. Stare in awe at the bronzed beauties littering the beach. Women again wear sweats to the beach, especially if it’s a nude beach. It will tell men your different and that you want no part in their hotel party, which is really them raiding the mini bar and ordering pay-per-view movies from the hotel. Go somewhere where there is a good night life. Austin has a nice nightlife, but when you wake up you have to deal with the fact that you’re in the middle of fucking Texas. Vegas and Miami are good bets. Vegas is always a party, and Miami has the beaches at day and bars/clubs at nights. Guys break out your awesome dance moves, even if you suck at dancing the fact that you don’t care about making an ass out of yourselve will net you more drunk women than the thug standing at the bar with his arms crossed. He may be hard… but you party hard.

Where not to go: Be careful when booking flights to warm climates. Florida is good, Spain is nice, Southern California is beautiful, Iraq is not… If there has been a war in your country of visitation in the last 15 years just say no. Uganda, Somalia, Iraq, Afghanistan, and now Libya. These are all horrible choices. You may see nothing but sand when looking at pictures, but that’s because there is nothing but sand there. Also if the camera turned the other way you would see nothing but bodies on the ground and police beating people in handcuffs. Would you travel to South Central LA in the early 90s? If you answered no to that question than stay away from… well the whole middle east. Your visas wont mean shit if someone shoots you.

There you go my travel tips, they should help keep you from being embarrassed or arrested at a security checkpoint, and should keep you out of danger when abroad.

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Boys Rule, Girls Drool

Posted in Humor, Life with tags , , , , , , , on August 6, 2011 by deviant11b

Since the beggining of time one thing has remained painfully obvious. Guys are better than gals in everything. We dominate in all the sports that truly matter. We have the best jobs, the fastest cars, and the finest women… real lesbians are icky. We are stronger, faster, smarter, and our penises are always bigger. We wear pants they wear skirts. I decided to create a national holiday today since August is so devoid of them, and I settled on Man Day. A day where all men will drink beer as one, grill brats as one, cheer on their favorite team as one, and watch porn as… well that’s still going to be an individual event. To honor the first ever Man Day, I came out with a list of things we are better at than women. This will henceforth be known as the Man Day Decree.

On this, being the sixth day of August. One David Willis set forth upon a great gender a list of sexual inequalities. Purpose being to perpetrate the truth of true men, and the myth of a great women. So in as much as a downtrodden man can find hope in these following words, in the form of 25 points.

1. Women cannot stand and pee. Men enjoy this freedom it is truly gods gift to us.
2. Women must carry in the womb a child, not to exceed nine months. Men must sit idly by and laugh as the woman gains weight.
3. Men have protruding reproductive organs. If for no other reason than to measure them against fellow-men to see who is more manly.
4. Burping is a mans thing, women shall be scorned for attempting such a feat.
5. Farting to.
6. When having intercourse, men have the ability to complete the act long before the women-folk. It’s a race… we win.
7. Higher IQs: Newton, Einstein, Edison, Tesla, all the presidents, Dr. Seuss, Twain, and Eminem. Need I say more?
8. War… no body does it better.
9. For a whole week out of the month our emotions stay the same, and we don’t bleed from our kit and caboodle. Can you say the same thing?
10. Rational thinking is exclusive to men. A woman takes as much time picking out shoes as we do picking out perspective mates. Actually I can’t tell who gets the short end of that stick.
11. Badass people in history. We have Leonidas, Caesar, Napoleon, King Arthur, King Kong, Wolverine, and Audie Murphy. You have Joan of Arc.
12. Muscles make us look hot, muscles make you look scary.
13. Million Dollar Baby. What happens when a woman tries to take over a mans sport? She gets paralyzed.
14. Crying. You do it, we end it.
15. Shopping. When we make money we save it, she gets those boots with the fur just so the clubs looks at her.
16. Blonde hair. When we have it, it makes us look good. When you have it jokes are made.
17. Brunette hair. You may be smarter than blondes, but your still a woman.
18. Choice of mates. You always seem to fuck this one up. Why are there no nice guys out there. Cuz your having sex with every Charlie Sheen you can find.
19. We are way better drivers than you are. Thats why every manly car comes with a manual transmission, and a prius comes in automatic.
20. Age treats us much better than it does you. Robert Deniro, Gene Hackman, Al Pacino, Clint Eastwood, and George Clooney all still have their jobs. Yes that Golden Girl hosting SNL was a cute gimmick, but that’s all it was.
21. Before going out all we have to do is shower and put on a clean shirt. You have to sit in front of a mirror and treat your face like Van Gogh’s canvas, except when he painted something it never made him late for dinner.
22. The ability to skip numbers 23-25 if we please. And I damn well please.