Archive for jobs

Add-vice From A Jean-E-Yus

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , on August 4, 2011 by deviant11b

       So far all of my entries here have been on a topic, today I am going to pick up that template, dust it off, and break the shit out of it. All your going to find here is awesome advice from an awesome(er) individual, who apparently decided to take everything he knew about spelling and grammar, and send it the way of the now smoldering template.

ADVICE ON LIFE

  • Just quit… It makes life easier, and tells people that you are indeed your own man.
  • Hold as many grudges as you can. It may not be healthy, but you will feel mean, and tough, and badass, and well… and just fuck him. He NEVER should have taken my pudding in 8th grade.
  • Make something your life, preferably a fad. That way when beanie babies all go out of style we can easily identify you as someone not to talk to.
  • When you come to a fork in the road DONT take it. You have no idea whose mouth it’s been in.
  • Be an ass hole to everyone. The fewer friends you have, the less you’ll be hit up for a few bucks or a favor.

ADVICE ON LOVE

  • When on a date observe the five second rule, and pick up any pennies you see on the sidewalk. Women love a man who’s good with saving money.
  • Go ahead and fart on the first date. Your just telling her its ok to let one out, everyone does it, and I know she’s been holding one in since you picked her up.
  • Make her pay for everything. Equal rights, equal pay. Fuck you, you asked for it…suffragers.
  • Never ever under any circumstance make eye contact with a woman who has fake boobs. She didn’t pay good money for you to ignore them. So be polite and stare at those things.
  • When finished fornicating before marriage. Hold yourself while rocking back and forth in the fetal position, cry, and tell her your going to hell. When she gives you an odd look reassure her its ok because she will be going to.
  • When dating online make sure to have an axe in your profile picture. Women love guys that are good at chopping stuff.
  • Feel free to look at the other women. Tell her how much prettier they are. Lying ruins relationships.

ADVICE FOR WORK

  • Showing up late doesn’t tell your boss shit other than you know how to rock your shit out!
  • Same for showing up drunk/hung over.
  • And wearing the same clothes.
  • When you take the last of the coffee, throw the pot violently at the wall and yell at Bob for not making more. No one will question he was the last person to drink the coffee. Bobs an asshole.
  • No romance in the work place… unless its your boss. Sexual harassment anyone???
  • Casual Fridays were invented by a man who showed initiative. Show some your self and observe topless Tuesdays.
  • Your boss is an asshole, treat him accordingly. Not only will he appreciate the honesty, but he will see the brown nosers for what they are… agreeable.

ADVICE FOR SCHOOL

  • Pay some one to take your tests for you. Your parents aren’t shelling out all that money for you to get grades that reflect your intelligence. Sun Ziou lives next door slip him a hundo and get daddy that A he’s paying for.
  • Or sleep with your teacher.
  • If you’re a woman and the teacher grades on a curve, dress provocatively. The guys will pay attention to you more than the class work lowering the average grade thus raising your grade higher than their tented pants. (note: this will not work in home ec or theater.)
  • Sleep in class. This will give you more energy when your digging deep for that last keg stand later on in the night.
  • Burn bridges. You will never see these people again.

ADVICE FOR MONEY

  • It does indeed grow on trees. Its made of paper duh…
  • Go wild with it. You could die tomorrow, and unless you have an AMEX black card St. Peters is going on merit alone when it comes to admittance to the pearly gates.
  • Beg, borrow, or steal was invented before security cameras and satellites. Therefore stay away from banks, rob liquor stores. alcoholics use cash so their spouses wont know their buying it, and the cameras inside never work.
  • Make funny money, it may be a capital offense, but so are those awful shoes.
  • Contrary to popular belief, making it rain is a great way to spend money.

      There ya go folks, some of my most prized wisdom passed on to you. Use it well and make sure you tell them where you heard such sage advice.

 

 

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Future Job Ideas… And Not.

Posted in Comedy with tags , , , , on July 30, 2011 by deviant11b

                   These days I’m not sure of much, but the one thing I am sure is that I’ll be needing to find a new job soon. I’ve thought long and hard and eliminated some options, other choices have stood out as the cream of the crop in this buyers market that is the job hunt.

                  I think I’ll first start off with the obvious eliminations. I cannot ever be a sports star, not because I’m not good enough. I have a six-foot vertical and can run the 40 in just under 2.2 seconds. I have an arm like a cannon and can land a golf ball on a penny. If there are any other clichés about great athletes they don’t apply to me, simply put I am better than they are. No my problem is my ego. It’s too small. I could mull over whether I want to make 30 mil in Miami or 27 mil in New York, and Cleveland HA fuck em. Id get the ball too much, cmon Rodgers pass the ball to someone else. You don’t get championships with players like me on the team. You need to go out and buy all the talent money can buy. Right? Oh wait…

                       Mail order bride also got crossed off the list. First of all the word bride implies womanhood, and since I just pissed standing up I would make a piss poor woman (pun intended and over reached). Second the men who order brides can all be lumped in the same category, and since my idea of a fun day is not sitting in a dark basement playing W.O.W. also size matters, also im straight. Finally I’m a firm believer of the time-tested theory of C&C-Clubbin and Cavin, go out and find a woman the old-fashioned way guys.

                        I played Halo recently on my wonderful Xbox, and while the game was fun I decided I did not want to be Master Chief. For one he always has a female in his head telling him what to do, I need to be my own man. When I’m slaying hordes of aliens with 5.56 I don’t need a feminine voice in my head it’s already bad enough she’s telling me that I have to take a right turn in .03 miles, but now she’s telling me I have to jump into space with nothing but a rifle? Ha no thank you. Also do you know what year Halo takes place? I don’t either but I know it’s after November 2011 and I have no plans of staying in the Army that long.

                     Those are just the jobs I went in-depth about. Some others that didn’t make the list were: gynecologist, phone sex operator, horse jockey, the black guy in every scary movie, parachute tester, stripper, and urologist.

                     Now on to the jobs I’m planning on excelling at, the first one being a bank robber. I’ve seen enough movies to know that as long as I take enough time to plan the heist, nothing could go wrong. I’ll need an accomplice or two, a getaway driver to speed us to safety, and maybe a guy (or gal) on the inside. I plan on bankrolling massive benders with the loot I take from the rich white collars of America.

                   Demotivators are not in high demand meaning I will have a job as soon as I want it. Basically if your feeling too good about yourself come see me and I will tell you that the beauty mark on your thigh is really a mole growing hair faster than Chewy on rogaine. That promotion you are working so hard for will likely go to the hot chick who visits the boss in his private office. To the overly optimistic children of the world I’ll give this advice, get really good at asking if you’d like fries with that because you will never be an astronaut, and you were most likely the result of an expired condom.

                  Dental assistant watch Horrible Bosses and tell me this is a bad choice.

                

                What I really aspire to be though is a wandering free agent of humanity. Lesser learned folks might call my ilk homeless, but we live in poverty by choice, much like Friar Tuck. The world will be my home… and my toilet. Who needs water when you have beer, and who needs food when you have crack.