Archive for Jennifer Aniston

Future Job Ideas… And Not.

Posted in Comedy with tags , , , , on July 30, 2011 by deviant11b

                   These days I’m not sure of much, but the one thing I am sure is that I’ll be needing to find a new job soon. I’ve thought long and hard and eliminated some options, other choices have stood out as the cream of the crop in this buyers market that is the job hunt.

                  I think I’ll first start off with the obvious eliminations. I cannot ever be a sports star, not because I’m not good enough. I have a six-foot vertical and can run the 40 in just under 2.2 seconds. I have an arm like a cannon and can land a golf ball on a penny. If there are any other clichés about great athletes they don’t apply to me, simply put I am better than they are. No my problem is my ego. It’s too small. I could mull over whether I want to make 30 mil in Miami or 27 mil in New York, and Cleveland HA fuck em. Id get the ball too much, cmon Rodgers pass the ball to someone else. You don’t get championships with players like me on the team. You need to go out and buy all the talent money can buy. Right? Oh wait…

                       Mail order bride also got crossed off the list. First of all the word bride implies womanhood, and since I just pissed standing up I would make a piss poor woman (pun intended and over reached). Second the men who order brides can all be lumped in the same category, and since my idea of a fun day is not sitting in a dark basement playing W.O.W. also size matters, also im straight. Finally I’m a firm believer of the time-tested theory of C&C-Clubbin and Cavin, go out and find a woman the old-fashioned way guys.

                        I played Halo recently on my wonderful Xbox, and while the game was fun I decided I did not want to be Master Chief. For one he always has a female in his head telling him what to do, I need to be my own man. When I’m slaying hordes of aliens with 5.56 I don’t need a feminine voice in my head it’s already bad enough she’s telling me that I have to take a right turn in .03 miles, but now she’s telling me I have to jump into space with nothing but a rifle? Ha no thank you. Also do you know what year Halo takes place? I don’t either but I know it’s after November 2011 and I have no plans of staying in the Army that long.

                     Those are just the jobs I went in-depth about. Some others that didn’t make the list were: gynecologist, phone sex operator, horse jockey, the black guy in every scary movie, parachute tester, stripper, and urologist.

                     Now on to the jobs I’m planning on excelling at, the first one being a bank robber. I’ve seen enough movies to know that as long as I take enough time to plan the heist, nothing could go wrong. I’ll need an accomplice or two, a getaway driver to speed us to safety, and maybe a guy (or gal) on the inside. I plan on bankrolling massive benders with the loot I take from the rich white collars of America.

                   Demotivators are not in high demand meaning I will have a job as soon as I want it. Basically if your feeling too good about yourself come see me and I will tell you that the beauty mark on your thigh is really a mole growing hair faster than Chewy on rogaine. That promotion you are working so hard for will likely go to the hot chick who visits the boss in his private office. To the overly optimistic children of the world I’ll give this advice, get really good at asking if you’d like fries with that because you will never be an astronaut, and you were most likely the result of an expired condom.

                  Dental assistant watch Horrible Bosses and tell me this is a bad choice.


                What I really aspire to be though is a wandering free agent of humanity. Lesser learned folks might call my ilk homeless, but we live in poverty by choice, much like Friar Tuck. The world will be my home… and my toilet. Who needs water when you have beer, and who needs food when you have crack.