Archive for Girls

Dating Follies Of A Fatter More Nervous Deviant.

Posted in Comedy, Dating, Humor, Life with tags , , , , , , , , on August 8, 2011 by deviant11b

     When I was in high school I had a number of things working against me when it came to dating. I was out of shape, which the picture above clearly shows. I was awkward around girls I thought were out of my league, which includes all the girls in the photo, based solely on their beautiful faces. Finally my confidence around the fairer sex was lower than Osama’s rotting body.

            When I joined the Army I shed about 40 pounds which left my body looking like a greek god, which you can clearly see in the picture below.

    But this post isn’t to brag about my new body, rather its to look back on my amazing follies of the past.

    In junior high I had this crush on a girl I had known for a while, I knew she was out of my league, but that never stops crushes. Anyway I thought the way to her heart was to be a fucking white knight with no spine. No favor was too small, if she needed five bucks I probably would have robbed the 7/11 on the corner and given her the $350 and five cartons of smokes I made off with. Needless to say this tactic did not work at all. All of that was also assuming she would have asked me for a favor, but because I spent most of the time staring at her from a far she didn’t approach me for the time of day. Now you might think this would be the end of the story but fast forward ten years to my first time home from the Army. I had a couple of weeks at home before I had to deploy to Iraq, and a buddy of mine was having a party at his apartment. I went to the party, and got severely obliterated. Nature called and I was in a rush to answer, but the bathroom was occupado. Being an inconsiderate prick, and having been in the field for the last month or so I walked outside and began relieving myself on his front lawn. While I’m standing there with my penis in one hand and a beer bottle in the other who should walk up to the door but the girl I had a crush on ten years ago. As I tucked myself back into my pants, I asked her how she was doing. I’ll give her this, she was polite and just smiled rather than run away screaming, or jabbing a sharp object into my eye. I shamelessly walked back into the party, and by the end of the night I was doing push ups with her on my back like a tool.

      At the end of junior high I had landed my first girlfriend, she was hot, really hot. The fact that she was hot is probably what doomed it in the first place. I was so nervous that I would say or do something to fuck it up that I just never said or did anything. I hadn’t blown up like a blimp yet, but that didn’t keep me from being awkward around her. When I was dropped off at her place to watch a movie (yes dropped off I was only 14 at the time so fuck off) I always sat inches away from her, thinking that if I made a move she would freak out. I did not realize that the fact that I made no moves freaked her out even more. The relationship did not last long, but I’m sure you already knew that.

    At the beginning of highschool my waistline expanded, and my jeans lowered a considerable amount. I walked around like a member of G-unit, and talked like one to. In one of my classes I had this pretty good-looking girl who sat in front of me. We started talking one day and she asked if I liked to smoke pot. I took one look at her cleavage and nodded an excited yes, nevermind the fact that I had never smoked it before. She asked if I had any, and I again nodded my head. I told her I had a lot, and when she asked how much I told her I had a pound or so. Now I knew nothing about weed, but when I answered that I had a pound or so, I pretty much told her I was a dealer. We made a plan to hang out later that week. I went around high school asking people if they knew where I could get a pound of weed, and now I understand why I got the looks I got. When we finally did hang out I had some ‘splainin to do. Thankfully she saved me the trouble and walked away from my befuddled ass.

      Mid way through highschool I went on a something called a workcamp, which is usually a church sponsored trip to a downtrodden town. While there you work on people’s homes and help them out. People from all over the place go there, and in my group I had this girl from PA. She probably wore a little too much make-up, but I didn’t care I thought she was hot, er-go I acted like a fool. When she said she wanted to be a model, I sputtered out that she would be a “really really good model”. If she was painting, I was painting. I did everything in my power to ensure that she never talked to me. Later on when I got home I sent her a MySpace request, remember MySpace? Anyway she rejected me, and now I forget her name.

     Finally in my senior year I came into my own. I was still tipping the scales at an outstanding 225 pounds, but I had charisma, which was the only thing that saved my ass. My nerves were calmer, and my words were smoother, my gut may have been bigger, but my tongue was quicker and that enabled me to act with a tad bit more normalcy than I had previously demonstrated.

     Now a days my confidence is at an all time high. Most likely due to my past experiences. I’ve lost those LBs that kept me grounded all those years ago. I can actually talk to women now instead of just staring. Now I’m not saying I’m a stud, but I’m light years ahead of where I used to be, and that’s always a good place to be.

Boys Rule, Girls Drool

Posted in Humor, Life with tags , , , , , , , on August 6, 2011 by deviant11b

Since the beggining of time one thing has remained painfully obvious. Guys are better than gals in everything. We dominate in all the sports that truly matter. We have the best jobs, the fastest cars, and the finest women… real lesbians are icky. We are stronger, faster, smarter, and our penises are always bigger. We wear pants they wear skirts. I decided to create a national holiday today since August is so devoid of them, and I settled on Man Day. A day where all men will drink beer as one, grill brats as one, cheer on their favorite team as one, and watch porn as… well that’s still going to be an individual event. To honor the first ever Man Day, I came out with a list of things we are better at than women. This will henceforth be known as the Man Day Decree.

On this, being the sixth day of August. One David Willis set forth upon a great gender a list of sexual inequalities. Purpose being to perpetrate the truth of true men, and the myth of a great women. So in as much as a downtrodden man can find hope in these following words, in the form of 25 points.

1. Women cannot stand and pee. Men enjoy this freedom it is truly gods gift to us.
2. Women must carry in the womb a child, not to exceed nine months. Men must sit idly by and laugh as the woman gains weight.
3. Men have protruding reproductive organs. If for no other reason than to measure them against fellow-men to see who is more manly.
4. Burping is a mans thing, women shall be scorned for attempting such a feat.
5. Farting to.
6. When having intercourse, men have the ability to complete the act long before the women-folk. It’s a race… we win.
7. Higher IQs: Newton, Einstein, Edison, Tesla, all the presidents, Dr. Seuss, Twain, and Eminem. Need I say more?
8. War… no body does it better.
9. For a whole week out of the month our emotions stay the same, and we don’t bleed from our kit and caboodle. Can you say the same thing?
10. Rational thinking is exclusive to men. A woman takes as much time picking out shoes as we do picking out perspective mates. Actually I can’t tell who gets the short end of that stick.
11. Badass people in history. We have Leonidas, Caesar, Napoleon, King Arthur, King Kong, Wolverine, and Audie Murphy. You have Joan of Arc.
12. Muscles make us look hot, muscles make you look scary.
13. Million Dollar Baby. What happens when a woman tries to take over a mans sport? She gets paralyzed.
14. Crying. You do it, we end it.
15. Shopping. When we make money we save it, she gets those boots with the fur just so the clubs looks at her.
16. Blonde hair. When we have it, it makes us look good. When you have it jokes are made.
17. Brunette hair. You may be smarter than blondes, but your still a woman.
18. Choice of mates. You always seem to fuck this one up. Why are there no nice guys out there. Cuz your having sex with every Charlie Sheen you can find.
19. We are way better drivers than you are. Thats why every manly car comes with a manual transmission, and a prius comes in automatic.
20. Age treats us much better than it does you. Robert Deniro, Gene Hackman, Al Pacino, Clint Eastwood, and George Clooney all still have their jobs. Yes that Golden Girl hosting SNL was a cute gimmick, but that’s all it was.
21. Before going out all we have to do is shower and put on a clean shirt. You have to sit in front of a mirror and treat your face like Van Gogh’s canvas, except when he painted something it never made him late for dinner.
22. The ability to skip numbers 23-25 if we please. And I damn well please.