Archive for Football

10 Things To Do If There Is No Football

Posted in Comedy, Sports with tags , , , , on July 17, 2011 by deviant11b

I figured since my last entry was a top ten list, I should do another. And since imitation is the most sincere form of flattery I’m really just paying myself a big compliment. I’m a huge football fan, love the colts, and love that my quarterback will always be better than yours. However, if this lockout thing doesn’t end soon, I’m going to have a lot of free time on my hands this fall. Because of this I’ve decided to come up with a list of things we football fans can do to help pass the time.

10. Pick up a religion. Since football lands on Sundays many people will be left with nothing to do. I suggest picking up a religion. Many of the stories in religious texts can play out like a good football game. Take David and Goliath. We’ll call Goliath the modern day Patriots, unless you’re a fan you hate em. David can be any other team. Well Goliath is always winning battles through sheer brute strength, but David steps up and take a shotgun snap from God in his hand is a tiny pebble. With Manning (Eli or Peyton doesn’t matter both have slain the modern day philistine) like accuracy nails Goliath in the head and ends his reign of terror.

9. Play through the season on the newest madden game. I know that’s what Ill be doing. I’m even going to make pre game shows and interview all my friends and family. How long as he been playing this game. How do you like his chances against Footballz89 from Cleveland. What do you think the score will be? 112-3 I think so. Each person I interview will then shake his head, lets be serious when I’m doing this its not like Ill have a girlfriend, and mutter under his breath how I need to get a life.

8. Be productive. Think of all those Sundays and Monday nights Ill have free now, and when we get further into the season Thursdays as well, when the playoffs come around Saturdays to. I’m going to have so much more time this year I wont know what to do. Maybe Ill pick up a new hobby, get a side job, or start reading those “For Dummies” books to learn myself a little something. Who knows with about 18 hours a week freed up there is no telling what Ill be able to do.

7. Go to the bars to actually meet women. This one sounds crazy, I know but hear me out. When I’m at a bar prospective mates have to compete with Sports center for my attention. I don’t care how low cut your dress is, Bob Sanders laying someone out going full steam is always more impressive. Now that there is no football I can give my full attention to the cleavage you are trying to peddle, and in the morning we can play a game called don’t wake daddy. ( That’s a living at home with parents joke, not a West Virginia joke.)

6. Watch futbol. I know it’s the bastard son of the real game of football, but it can still be entertaining right?

5. Catch up on all the teen drama movies I’ve been missing out on. That Bella girl really does have a tough choice to make. Edward or Jacob? Both can easily snap her in two with just one pelvic thrust so I guess she has to ask herself does she like it hot or cold? Also this Harry Potter thing is coming to an end, could be interesting. Oh and I really want to see if Justin Bieber really does never say never.

4. Watch football movies. The Replacements, Any Given Sunday, The Longest Yard, Remember the Titans, The Blind Side, Rudy, Radio, Gridiron Gang. All these have great football action and take much less time to watch than an actual football game, it’s a win-win situation.

3. Start following real news. Did you know Casey Anthony was found innocent? Did you know there were two wars going on right now? How about Arnie, how’s he and his maid doing? If this were in the middle of football season I wouldn’t know about any of these stories. CNN would just be that company that owns Sports Illustrated instead of the leading news organization. There’s a whole world going on out there past the end zone and I intend to find out about it.

2. Play fantasy Hollywood. Get a few of your friends together and draft the biggest stars. My number one pick Leonardo DiCaprio. Cant go wrong with a guy who made over 500 million in just two movies. My sleeper, a late round Matthew Mccanoughey. Lincoln Lawyer really showed that he can step out of the back up QB role of Rom-coms and take the leading spot of a dramatic actor.

1. Compile statistics on other things. In one week my dog went to the bathroom twice as much as he did during the same week last year. Could it have been the different kind of food we got him on. Or maybe it’s the weather messing with his head. Also could he have become used to pooping under pressure as the neighbors two dogs watch as the dukies drop from Duke. Who knows but I can tell you its going to be a rough season for who ever is mowing our yard.

0. Just like my last list I’m going to cheat and add an 11th thing I plan on doing. Mourning. I’ve already got my black football jersey with the number 2011 on it, and every Sunday that football is not played I plan on going to Lucas Oil Stadium with that jersey and laying a single flower at the steps of the place. I’m going to talk to it like it can hear me. Tell it how much I miss it. Update it on the latest goings on in my life. And than I’m going to take a puff on my cigarette, look solemnly at that great house of football, go home and arm myself to the teeth, and set out on a revenge mission.

 

* As a side note when I typed futbol it came up as a misspelling. When I clicked on it, it suggested to change it to football. Ha take that Mexico, South America, Europe, Africa, and Australia. Merica, fuck yeah.

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