Archive for Congress

Running In The Middle As An Honest Man

Posted in Humor, Politics with tags , , , , , , on August 3, 2011 by deviant11b

I hate politics with a passion. I hate what it’s come to mean. Dont get me wrong it’s an important part or our country’s success, but its become a fairly broken system, and with the Republicans having no sane candidate Obama has a better shot of winning this election than Lincoln ever knowing what happened at the end of “Our American Cousin”. Heres where I come in, if congress will amend the constitution, call it the Willis amendment, I will run for president. They have to act now though before I’m all old and shit, I mean I’m almost 23 cmon.

I know I can win, it’s too easy. Politicians nowadays think it’s all about having lived a clean life for 50 odd years, well they’re wrong. No one wants a priest leading the country, there’s a reason we slayed those damned red coats, and it wasnt to have our constitution start with “In the beginning God created Heaven and Earth.” I don’t hate religion, in fact I’m religious myself it’s just a good thing religion and government are separated.

Language is another barrier the modern politician has put between them and the people. Economy could easily be “money situation”, welfare turns into “free cash”, and diplomatic ties being severed would henceforth be known as “fuck em then”. Now if you smiled at these translations that means that you to are tired of running to a dictionary every time you see the leader of the country speak.

Scandals… I love them, but I hate the denial. OK Bill you got some fellatio in the oval office, but guess what you’re a man. Just throw up your hands, and in that comical southern twang say “Hell yes I suck toes”. When in a heated debate my opponent will most likely confront me with any number of shortcomings in my life. My internet searches, my Netflix history, Facebook posts, sexual indiscretions, and this shitty blog. I’ll just grin and nod as he presents his evidence. When he’s done I lean in to the microphone and admit that it’s all true. My counterpoint? He has no color in his life, either he has no personal life or, and more likely, he has a much bigger skeleton in his closet. Much worse than a booby movie I rented back in college. Then I will accuse him of murdering his neighbor, or something worse like hating football, apple pie, or Jennifer Anniston.

Spending money is one thing Id put an end to. Congress would get paid by the hour, they don’t wanna work? Fine better find a good side job. The military? Our weapons are already 10-15 years ahead of our enemies, solution? Cut R&D by 75-80% until our stuff becomes out dated. Pass on half the savings to the taxpayers, and the other half will go to a pay increase to infantry and SF soldiers. Would you believe that a soldier in the states who issues out supplies makes as much as a soldier of the same rank whose job it is to get shot at? Well that wouldn’t last with me. All those companies that are outsourcing jobs out to third world countries would change their tactics with me around. I would tax their asses off, wanna be cheap on labor well you’re gonna pay for it in taxes. Tell me I can’t, go ahead I’m the damn president and I got three words for you… state sponsored assassinations. Welfare would get more strict to. I understand there are people who do really need it, but I bet it’s not even close to half of what the number of people drawing it are. It’s not that there are no jobs, it’s that you think your too good to flip burgers, well you aren’t so here’s a cardboard box and directions to the nearest bridge.

Diplomatic Policies are something I know just a little about, but I know enough to realize I shouldnt be making the decisions. Solution? Bring in the best Risk players and have them help me take over the world. Its pretty hard to piss off foreign leaders when you rule the world. But alas heavy is the crown, harder the fall, and absolute corruption will eventually be my downfall.

Through out all of this though I will be honest with my intent, that’s the one thing politicians don’t understand. If they were just honest they could get elected. Id bet most Americans would rather hear the truth, than a dressed up lie. Also don’t apologize. You made the choice for a reason, now stick by it. Tell the people you don’t know how your going to get the country out of debt instead of dancing around the issue, but assure them your working hard on it.

Fortunately for the country though, congress will not amend the constitution, and I will not be able to run for president. Who knows what would happen if I was the president, but I can assure you this. The desk in the oval office would definitely be wide enough for at least two interns.