Archive for College

Books For Bullets, A 23 Year Old Freshman

Posted in Comedy, Humor, Life, Military, School with tags , , , , , , on August 17, 2011 by deviant11b

        I graduated highschool in 2007, I graduated with a fairly low GPA and without taking the SATs. Why did I do this? Because the Army didn’t care what grades I made, or if I took the SATs. All they cared about was the fact that I graduated, and had a clean criminal record. Almost five years later this is coming back to bite me in the ass. As of today I’m three months away from getting out of the Army and beginning my new life.

      This may sound odd, but I’m more nervous about getting out of the Army than I ever was about joining, or even deploying. I’ll be on my own for real now, with bills I’ll need to pay, and jobs that can actually fire me for whatever reason they want. I’ll have to start watching my mouth lest I bring a harassment suit against me. I’ll have to mature even more, and stop farting whenever I feel like it. Right now short of drinking and driving my decisions don’t really have any real consequences. Yes, the real world is a daunting place to live in, and I can’t help but feel like I’m stuck in the starting block watching the other runners get a couple of laps head start.

     When I begin school this Spring I will be a 23-year-old freshman, now since I’ll be going to a community school for the first semester I wont feel so out-of-place, but when I go to the university I’m planning on going to I’ll feel like an old man. I cant help but feel like I wont be too far off from Luke Wilson in Old School living by a college partaking in its pleasures as an old man. Now if I happen to fall into bed with Elisha Cuthbert I wont ever complain again, but since that’s about as likely to happen as Israel and Pakistan giving each other a slap and tickle, I shall continue to gripe.

      Its been four years since I last used my brain for anything other than figuring out if I had enough in my bank account for a case of beer. Sine and cosine are something used for signatures and joint business ventures to me. Obtuse simply describes a leadership style, while acute is the type of anxiety I get when thinking of school, rather than describing triangles. I consider alge-bra to be just another of Victorias Secrets(how lame was that?) All the young whiper snappers I’ll be going to school with are fresh off 12 years of continuous schooling. There is an upside though, I’ll have a leg up on them on everything other than academics. I can buy beer. I have many more life experiences. My maturity level is higher than most people my age, although my sense of humor would beg otherwise. I can talk to women rather than stare at their chest, knowing that eye contact leads to skin contact later. unfortunately no schools in America have classes that grade on any of my advantages. I’ll have to relearn most of the things I never learned in the first place. Tests now will be more complicated than running for two miles or shooting off 40 rounds of 5.56. Now I’m sure I’ll succeed, if for nothing else then to never have to join the Army again, but I’m still incredibly apprehensive.

        Most of the people I graduated with are now finished with college and are off to careers not jobs. Some are doing advanced schooling to become doctors, and lawyers, and such. When it comes time to finally look for a career I’ll be 27 maybe 28 meaning I might be able to retire at 70. That’s assuming I find a job out of the gate, really though I have no idea what Id like to do. Id like to write for a living, but magazines, and newspapers are going the way of Sarah Palin’s career. Id like to have a cool job like a US marshal, or FBI but my experience in the Army has told me nothing is ever as exciting as Hollywood makes it out to be. I might like to teach, but If I come across a student that acts like I did I would be fired for beating up a kid. Id like to play a sport as a job, but I have a whole shit load of work to do for that one. Basically I’m drifting down a creek of feces with no out board motor… or something like that.

       Ahh college kids, while I don’t have a lot of experience with them, I’ve had some. Now most are alright and I’ve gotten along with them well, but others are horrible, nasty creatures that think they know everything. I once sat in on a class where a kid said all infantrymen were stoopid folk, I took offense to that one but behaved myself because I didn’t want to embarrass the girl I was with. When I’m off on my own though I’ll have no second thoughts about embarrassing myself with retaliation. I cant stand some of the kids that go to college. I’m sure you know some of them. They think they need to force their opinions on everyone. They think they are right, and everyone else is wrong. They think the government is out to conquer the world, and therefore all soldiers are evil little minions. I will not do anything to sway their beliefs, instead I will probably just act like an evil minion and give them a wedgie or hang them by their shoes and laugh. In all seriousness though, Im a grown man who has done two deployments, and should someone feel the need to insult me I wont take kindly to it.

     Dating should be fun, I know that it might be OK for Seniors to go out with Freshman, but I might be one of the older people in some classes. Everytime I would look at another Freshman girl Id feel like a guy on to catch a predator, slowly eating his cookies before being tackled and tazed by the local PD.

     When you do one thing for four straight years, you get very comfortable in the pattern you set. In a few short months I’ll have no pattern, and no safety net. I’ll be tossed to the wolves with fresh meat dangling from my appendages. While I am most certainly nervous about getting out and going to college, I am also very excited. I’ll finally get to experience college. The parties, the football games, the endless hitting on women, oh and the whole learning thing will be fun too. I know I’ll do alright though, because I know what its like on the other side. I know what its like to spend years away from family and friends. I know what its like to be 22 and have someone come into your room and tell you it’s not clean enough. I know what its like to sweat my ass off for six hours, only to have to sweat for six more. Most importantly I know that after December, I never want to do those things again. So I know I’ll do alright when it comes time for school.

My Auto-Biography Written By Myself

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , on August 2, 2011 by deviant11b

        Recently I’ve received a bit of fan mail by way of delusional, ego-boosted dreaming, and all  my fans want to know more about me. What drives me? What was my genesis? How am I so awesome at everything I do while others wither away like unwatered roses left sent from a philandering golfer? Was that even relevant anymore? Well I’ve decided to answer these questions and more in this minor biography. Now there are probably some people who know everything about me, my parents will no doubt read this and not learn anything new about my life. However since there’s been over 260 people who have read this, and I only have two parents that means there will be at least six or seven people who will find out something new about me here. In times like this, its fitting to begin at the beginning.

       I was born in 1988 the next thing I remember I was being shaken down for my lunch money in the second grade by the foreign exchange student that couldn’t speak any english. I’m joking but I guess I’ll just start at the point I think most relevent. In sixth grade I had a bitch for a teacher, that probably poisoned my attitude towards people of authority until I was at least halfway into the seventh grade. She was a royal C U Next Tuesday… remember its a family blog I can’t say cunt. Also in sixth grade I was diagnosed with ADD looking back on it I want to go back and slap the doctor in the face and tell him/her to fuck off. I was a sixth grade kid who was more excited with the prospect of learning about his own dick than what the capital of Spain was. Not a whole lot else happened in my junior high years that’s really worth mentioning, other than 9/11. But that wouldn’t really change my life directly until later on.

     As we move onto high school, it really gets interesting… hmm where do I start. As a freshman it became evident I would not be able to get by on looks and brute strength along. Why you ask, because over that summer I had put on about 30 lbs, I was a little bit chubby. Because of this I had to adapt. I did my research and found out that in the wild, animals use bright colors and venom against their predators to protect themselves. Since I had restricted access to poisons, and couldn’t quite get that sick tribal tattoo that would make me look badder than Vin Diesel, I had to find another way to make it through high school. That’s when I discovered that if you poop in your pants not even the bullies want to mess with you, just kidding. Talking is what I really discovered. I got to the point  where I could talk myself out of anything, I also discovered bluffing long before poker got popular. I would just bluff my way through altercations knowing full well how badly I would lose any fight I found myself in. Luckily I never had to show my hand and made it through alright, and wouldn’t ya know I even developed a sense of humor that would border on insanity. Anyway it was also in high school that I decided school was not for me, or rather I was not for school. Since I decided this early on, that meant I had a pretty easy tenure at high school. If I didn’t feel like doing it, I didn’t. I told my computer lab teacher that I had senioritis and she told me the class she was teaching was for sophomores, to which I simply replied “yes”. I decided to just be a mixture between the class clown, and the class ass hole. In debate I especially enjoyed taking the unpopular approach to everything, and winning. In creative writing classes I wrote short stories about spies with body counts so high, it once got me a ticket to the counselor to see if I was a part of the trench coat mafia. Looking back on it I realize that I loved high school for the same reason every kid loves it. You discover alcohol, sex, and most importantly they are some of your most formative years. My junior year of high school I thought I was black (read https://deviant11b.wordpress.com/2011/06/25/letter-to-my-formally-retarded-and-younger-self/ for more information on that delusion) yes like ghetto black. My pants showed off my boxers, my jerseys hung below my unfortunately too white penis, and my dialect was that of a rapper, or a mother on Maury finding out she’s going to have to bring in another guy to try to find her kids father. Looking back on it, its surprising I had any friends at that point in life. My senior year found me a much whiter me though, and I finally came into myself. When you stop caring what people think, you enjoy yourself much more. It’s incredibly cliché, but clichés are around for a reason…they work.

      As my senior year wrapped up, I was starting to look forward to my life as a soldier, I had enlisted early on in the year, and was set to go to basic in August 2007. I finished basic in February of ’08 a full 40 lbs skinnier than when I started. While in the Army I did cool things like fly in a helicopter, shoot all kinds of guns, be a gunner in a Bradley, which for all intents and purposes is a tank, and work with some awesome people. I’ll be getting out soon, and while I was writing this I got a letter saying I was accepted into a community college, which leaves me feeling like a kid on the worst little league base-ball team that still gets a trophy just because he showed up. But itll be a start, and I need to do it anyway my highschool transcript looks more sketchy than a hookers STD chart, and the classes I take will help me get into a college whose name I wont have to mumble through in conversation.

     Most biographies end with a death, thus bringing the book to an already known ending. However this one doesn’t end with a death, it ends in a tirade. It will also never be a book since no one wants to read about an average joe, who’s done nothing but serve in the Army with two deployments and four honorable years in. They would rather hear about Lindsay Lohan snorting coke, or who’s fucking who on camera. If you don’t believe me turn on the TV and see whats passing for news these days.

The End