Archive for Bullshit

IRAQ: Chick Flicks, False Alarms, and Stupid Shit.

Posted in Comedy, Military with tags , , , , , on June 29, 2011 by deviant11b

People often ask what Iraq is like, and I usually respond like a dick head and say hot. I don’t know what they expect to hear though. Maybe that its like that shitty hollywood movie The Hurt Locker, but that couldn’t be further from the truth, everything in that movie is trash. EOD doesn’t do have the shit they do in that movie, all they do is defuse bombs with robots or explosives. They don’t roll out the gate by themselves, or step in front of traffic with only a pistol, and they definitely dont meet up with a bunch of mercenaries and become snipers within a few minutes. It’s not like Black Hawk Down, although that movie is much more realistic, it’s just that there is not that much going on here. No it’s not like the movies at all.

I sat down and thought about what Iraq was really like, and I came up with this, Iraq is full of chick flicks, false alarms, and lots of stupid shit.

The chick flicks aspect is probably the most interesting aspect. We of course watch all the movies that come out, but sometimes the movies being watched the most are the chick flicks. Devil Wears Prada, Easy A, Four Christmases, Ghosts of Girl Friends Past, He’s Just Not That Into You, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Life As We Know It, Love Actually, Nick and Norah Infinite Play List, The Ugly Truth, What Happens In Vegas, 500 Days of Summer, and 27 Dresses are a few of what we’ve seen over here. I have to say my favorite is He’s Just Not That Into You because it really is true all the things that guy says in there. Although 500 Days of Summer is great to because it shows how evil some women can be. I don’t know why we watch so many chick flicks over here when back in the states we make fun of the person being dragged to the notebook by his wife, but I have some theories. My first theory is that since most action movies are military related we can so easily poke holes in them, saying how they got something wrong, or how that’s not actually how they would do that. And since most guys in the Army’s definition of a functual relationship is a $20 lap dance at the cheapest club in town we can’t poke holes at people trying to fix relationships. Although it does bother a couple of us how right before the movies end, right before they reconcile, one of them is always planning on moving far away. As if their life in New York is ruined because they got involved in a tricky love triangle which isn’t as bad as it looked, so they decide to move to Oregon. My second theory is that we are so devoid of estrogen, and so over dosed with testosterone that we don’t want to watch cock diesle men running around flipping cars and shooting people. We’d rather watch a pretty woman dump an asshole and find a nice guy only to go back to the asshole, and realize just before the movie ends that the asshole isn’t for her. My third theory is that Dont Ask Dont Tell turned the whole Army gay and now we just want to watch Matthew Mcconoughey walk around without a shirt. I’m leaning towards the first two theories, but the third one is still taggin along at 1:6,000,000 odds.

False alarms in the states are when a smoke detector goes off because you’ve been smoking in a non ventilated room. In Iraq a false alarm is when you hear a gunshot and ten guys run outside ready to shoot some one, scare an Iraqi, and finally learn the “gunshot” was just a 16 wheeler’s tire popping. With each false alarm that passes we just get even more wound up. I guess false alarms are actually bad for the bad guys. When something finally does happen we’re going to be so wound tight and ready to finally do something that the bad guy wouldn’t last longer than an ice-cube on the face of the sun. They are taxing though, the flow of adrenaline and the quick drop makes you feel like you came close to sealing the deal with Megan Fox only to be kicked off the Empire State Building… very frustrating.

Ah stupid shit, without it the Army would run so much smoother and the government would save billions of dollars, but then again it wouldn’t be the Army. Stupid shit covers all kinds of things such as bringing million dollar vehicles to Iraq, costing millions of dollars in shipping, only to sit in one place for a year. We don’t even have the ammo we’d need for them. Stupid shit is putting up million dollar camera equipment only to take them down four months later. Stupid shit is doing push ups for 9 straight hours, because some one lost a pair of binoculars. But really I love the stupid shit, it gives me something to look forward to. The days when I’m free to think and question authority, or just throw a stapler at my boss as I quit my job in a blaze of glory… and poor references. It’s not really that bad just sometimes someone does or says something that leaves you scratching a hole through your cranium.

Now if I’ve made it seem that Iraq is about a bunch of homoerotic men with guns and hair triggers with nothing to do but do push ups in the dirt all day long, that’s because it is. I think now you’ll understand why I just tell people it’s hot.

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