What To Write When Nothing Seems Right

Posted in Humor, Life, Writing with tags , , on August 16, 2011 by deviant11b

           Just like any good magazine, radio show, or TV show this blog needs people s input to be awesome. Sometimes even a person so smart as myself gets writers block, and has a tough time coming up with ideas for what to write about. If you have an idea you’d like me to tackle with little to no seriousness, but with a great amount of humor and sarcasm let me know. Shoot me an email at djwillis88@aol.com, or comment on here and let me know what you’d like to hear about.

Dear America, Remove Stick From Your Ass

Posted in Comedy, Humor, Life, Politics with tags , , , , , , , , , , on August 13, 2011 by deviant11b

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar… heard this one? There used to be a time in America when a joke like this might have been common place. There used to be a time in America when people could joke about homosexuality, race, religion, and other modern-day hot topics. That day is long gone, and unfortunately we most likely will never see it. Recently people like Tracey Morgan have been in the news for telling jokes. They may not have been funny to everyone, but to his audience they were funny, and if you think your gonna see the Tracey Morgan from 30 rock when he’s doing his stand up, than your just retarded. Oops can I say that? America just doesn’t seem to get “funny” anymore. Across America in every work place there are harassment seminars for everything, in fact I’m pretty sure the only people who legally cannot be harassed are white males. Not that its illegal, it’s just that we seem to be the people with the thickest skin. We never run to HR when a female makes a comment about how nice our shirt looks, or complain when we are refered to as “you people”. Now before I get a lot of hate mail let me say this, I hate both racism and sexism. Theres never a place for it, but not everything everyone ever says is out of hate.

      When I first joined the Army I thought I was entering the last great vestige for true men. A place where you worked dirty, played dirty, fought dirty, and talked even dirtier. I was wrong. There are sexual harassment seminars, racism seminars, don’t bash gay people seminars, and pretty much any other seminars you can think of. They don’t serve any purpose. The women here are so hideous that they’re not even worth harassing. More than half of my leadership is some kind of a minority, and no one is going to act so gay that Elton John is going to be in danger of losing his queen crown. So why do we have these seminars? Political correctness. Now there are some situations where being PC is a must. I can’t imagine it would work out too good if Obama made Felipe Calderon speak to him over a ten foot wall and laughed the whole time. But in the average work place a slightly off-color remark can be funny. Now dont go around throwin down the N word, whether it ends in an -er or -a it’s usually a good idea to keep that word holstered.

        America as a whole has become afraid of what other people think of it’s self. When Janet Jackson’s boob was violently ripped out of her top by my personal hero JT the FCC jumped all over it. They acted like no one had ever gone online, or to a book store, or seen an R rated movie. Its was a tit, with a pasty on it! There was nothing to see that can’t be seen at any beach in America. But America had to keep its sexuality under wraps. When Tracy Morgan made that joke about gay people, we acted like we all were offended by the fact that he wanted his kid to have an easier time going through high school. When that dude from Frasier went on that racist rant though, the outrage was justified. Why have the same outrage for three completely different acts? Because America has lost its ability to reason.

       And with all the seminars we have we are still not as PC as we think we are. Is affirmative action really all that PC? Is it politically correct to reward people for being a certain color? Is it politically correct to wear a shirt that shows off your chest, or has small letters going across your nip-line and get offended when people look? I’m not trying to stare, I’m just trying to read your boobs I swear. We have politicians that rally hard against gay marriage, and are later caught in a gay sex scandal. That is not PC, but it is funny. Why is it funny? Because I still have my sense of humor. You know whats not PC? You expecting me to have the same bland sense of humor you do.    

      I’m not even going to touch religion.

      We are the only country that feels the need to continuously apologize for its own history. Yes we had slavery, but then the country fought a civil war. Women were held down, but then there was the suffrage movement. Jim Crowe laws were around, but then they were abolished. My point is that we are one of a handful of countries that can fix whats wrong with it without any outside help. We shouldnt apologize for that, we should celebrate it. While the middle east gets in an uproar over women driving, we have women supreme court judges. While Africa kills each other, we have a black president. While pakistan stones gays to death, we have TV shows about their lives. Whether or not you believe it America is one of the better places to live if you’re not a straight white male.

     So the next time you hear a joke that offends you, just walk away knowing you have a higher moral standard and a more boring sense of humor.

Dear Deviant, My Experiment.

Posted in Advice, Comedy, Dating, Humor, Life with tags , , , , , , on August 10, 2011 by deviant11b

    I’ve decided to try a little experiment on here. Today I had  hit 500 reads so that means I have a lot of regular readers, or one stalker. Now I believe that some of you may be having some problems in your life, maybe in a relationship, maybe at work, or maybe just want to ask a random question. Serious or not, send your questions to djwillis88@aol.com and I will answer them in a series I will call Dear Deviant. All posts will be anonymous or as whatever nickname you choose to give yourself, hopefully this will turn out to be interesting.

Dating Follies Of A Fatter More Nervous Deviant.

Posted in Comedy, Dating, Humor, Life with tags , , , , , , , , on August 8, 2011 by deviant11b

     When I was in high school I had a number of things working against me when it came to dating. I was out of shape, which the picture above clearly shows. I was awkward around girls I thought were out of my league, which includes all the girls in the photo, based solely on their beautiful faces. Finally my confidence around the fairer sex was lower than Osama’s rotting body.

            When I joined the Army I shed about 40 pounds which left my body looking like a greek god, which you can clearly see in the picture below.

    But this post isn’t to brag about my new body, rather its to look back on my amazing follies of the past.

    In junior high I had this crush on a girl I had known for a while, I knew she was out of my league, but that never stops crushes. Anyway I thought the way to her heart was to be a fucking white knight with no spine. No favor was too small, if she needed five bucks I probably would have robbed the 7/11 on the corner and given her the $350 and five cartons of smokes I made off with. Needless to say this tactic did not work at all. All of that was also assuming she would have asked me for a favor, but because I spent most of the time staring at her from a far she didn’t approach me for the time of day. Now you might think this would be the end of the story but fast forward ten years to my first time home from the Army. I had a couple of weeks at home before I had to deploy to Iraq, and a buddy of mine was having a party at his apartment. I went to the party, and got severely obliterated. Nature called and I was in a rush to answer, but the bathroom was occupado. Being an inconsiderate prick, and having been in the field for the last month or so I walked outside and began relieving myself on his front lawn. While I’m standing there with my penis in one hand and a beer bottle in the other who should walk up to the door but the girl I had a crush on ten years ago. As I tucked myself back into my pants, I asked her how she was doing. I’ll give her this, she was polite and just smiled rather than run away screaming, or jabbing a sharp object into my eye. I shamelessly walked back into the party, and by the end of the night I was doing push ups with her on my back like a tool.

      At the end of junior high I had landed my first girlfriend, she was hot, really hot. The fact that she was hot is probably what doomed it in the first place. I was so nervous that I would say or do something to fuck it up that I just never said or did anything. I hadn’t blown up like a blimp yet, but that didn’t keep me from being awkward around her. When I was dropped off at her place to watch a movie (yes dropped off I was only 14 at the time so fuck off) I always sat inches away from her, thinking that if I made a move she would freak out. I did not realize that the fact that I made no moves freaked her out even more. The relationship did not last long, but I’m sure you already knew that.

    At the beginning of highschool my waistline expanded, and my jeans lowered a considerable amount. I walked around like a member of G-unit, and talked like one to. In one of my classes I had this pretty good-looking girl who sat in front of me. We started talking one day and she asked if I liked to smoke pot. I took one look at her cleavage and nodded an excited yes, nevermind the fact that I had never smoked it before. She asked if I had any, and I again nodded my head. I told her I had a lot, and when she asked how much I told her I had a pound or so. Now I knew nothing about weed, but when I answered that I had a pound or so, I pretty much told her I was a dealer. We made a plan to hang out later that week. I went around high school asking people if they knew where I could get a pound of weed, and now I understand why I got the looks I got. When we finally did hang out I had some ‘splainin to do. Thankfully she saved me the trouble and walked away from my befuddled ass.

      Mid way through highschool I went on a something called a workcamp, which is usually a church sponsored trip to a downtrodden town. While there you work on people’s homes and help them out. People from all over the place go there, and in my group I had this girl from PA. She probably wore a little too much make-up, but I didn’t care I thought she was hot, er-go I acted like a fool. When she said she wanted to be a model, I sputtered out that she would be a “really really good model”. If she was painting, I was painting. I did everything in my power to ensure that she never talked to me. Later on when I got home I sent her a MySpace request, remember MySpace? Anyway she rejected me, and now I forget her name.

     Finally in my senior year I came into my own. I was still tipping the scales at an outstanding 225 pounds, but I had charisma, which was the only thing that saved my ass. My nerves were calmer, and my words were smoother, my gut may have been bigger, but my tongue was quicker and that enabled me to act with a tad bit more normalcy than I had previously demonstrated.

     Now a days my confidence is at an all time high. Most likely due to my past experiences. I’ve lost those LBs that kept me grounded all those years ago. I can actually talk to women now instead of just staring. Now I’m not saying I’m a stud, but I’m light years ahead of where I used to be, and that’s always a good place to be.

Boys Rule, Girls Drool

Posted in Humor, Life with tags , , , , , , , on August 6, 2011 by deviant11b

Since the beggining of time one thing has remained painfully obvious. Guys are better than gals in everything. We dominate in all the sports that truly matter. We have the best jobs, the fastest cars, and the finest women… real lesbians are icky. We are stronger, faster, smarter, and our penises are always bigger. We wear pants they wear skirts. I decided to create a national holiday today since August is so devoid of them, and I settled on Man Day. A day where all men will drink beer as one, grill brats as one, cheer on their favorite team as one, and watch porn as… well that’s still going to be an individual event. To honor the first ever Man Day, I came out with a list of things we are better at than women. This will henceforth be known as the Man Day Decree.

On this, being the sixth day of August. One David Willis set forth upon a great gender a list of sexual inequalities. Purpose being to perpetrate the truth of true men, and the myth of a great women. So in as much as a downtrodden man can find hope in these following words, in the form of 25 points.

1. Women cannot stand and pee. Men enjoy this freedom it is truly gods gift to us.
2. Women must carry in the womb a child, not to exceed nine months. Men must sit idly by and laugh as the woman gains weight.
3. Men have protruding reproductive organs. If for no other reason than to measure them against fellow-men to see who is more manly.
4. Burping is a mans thing, women shall be scorned for attempting such a feat.
5. Farting to.
6. When having intercourse, men have the ability to complete the act long before the women-folk. It’s a race… we win.
7. Higher IQs: Newton, Einstein, Edison, Tesla, all the presidents, Dr. Seuss, Twain, and Eminem. Need I say more?
8. War… no body does it better.
9. For a whole week out of the month our emotions stay the same, and we don’t bleed from our kit and caboodle. Can you say the same thing?
10. Rational thinking is exclusive to men. A woman takes as much time picking out shoes as we do picking out perspective mates. Actually I can’t tell who gets the short end of that stick.
11. Badass people in history. We have Leonidas, Caesar, Napoleon, King Arthur, King Kong, Wolverine, and Audie Murphy. You have Joan of Arc.
12. Muscles make us look hot, muscles make you look scary.
13. Million Dollar Baby. What happens when a woman tries to take over a mans sport? She gets paralyzed.
14. Crying. You do it, we end it.
15. Shopping. When we make money we save it, she gets those boots with the fur just so the clubs looks at her.
16. Blonde hair. When we have it, it makes us look good. When you have it jokes are made.
17. Brunette hair. You may be smarter than blondes, but your still a woman.
18. Choice of mates. You always seem to fuck this one up. Why are there no nice guys out there. Cuz your having sex with every Charlie Sheen you can find.
19. We are way better drivers than you are. Thats why every manly car comes with a manual transmission, and a prius comes in automatic.
20. Age treats us much better than it does you. Robert Deniro, Gene Hackman, Al Pacino, Clint Eastwood, and George Clooney all still have their jobs. Yes that Golden Girl hosting SNL was a cute gimmick, but that’s all it was.
21. Before going out all we have to do is shower and put on a clean shirt. You have to sit in front of a mirror and treat your face like Van Gogh’s canvas, except when he painted something it never made him late for dinner.
22. The ability to skip numbers 23-25 if we please. And I damn well please.

Add-vice From A Jean-E-Yus

Posted in Humor with tags , , , , , , , , on August 4, 2011 by deviant11b

       So far all of my entries here have been on a topic, today I am going to pick up that template, dust it off, and break the shit out of it. All your going to find here is awesome advice from an awesome(er) individual, who apparently decided to take everything he knew about spelling and grammar, and send it the way of the now smoldering template.

ADVICE ON LIFE

  • Just quit… It makes life easier, and tells people that you are indeed your own man.
  • Hold as many grudges as you can. It may not be healthy, but you will feel mean, and tough, and badass, and well… and just fuck him. He NEVER should have taken my pudding in 8th grade.
  • Make something your life, preferably a fad. That way when beanie babies all go out of style we can easily identify you as someone not to talk to.
  • When you come to a fork in the road DONT take it. You have no idea whose mouth it’s been in.
  • Be an ass hole to everyone. The fewer friends you have, the less you’ll be hit up for a few bucks or a favor.

ADVICE ON LOVE

  • When on a date observe the five second rule, and pick up any pennies you see on the sidewalk. Women love a man who’s good with saving money.
  • Go ahead and fart on the first date. Your just telling her its ok to let one out, everyone does it, and I know she’s been holding one in since you picked her up.
  • Make her pay for everything. Equal rights, equal pay. Fuck you, you asked for it…suffragers.
  • Never ever under any circumstance make eye contact with a woman who has fake boobs. She didn’t pay good money for you to ignore them. So be polite and stare at those things.
  • When finished fornicating before marriage. Hold yourself while rocking back and forth in the fetal position, cry, and tell her your going to hell. When she gives you an odd look reassure her its ok because she will be going to.
  • When dating online make sure to have an axe in your profile picture. Women love guys that are good at chopping stuff.
  • Feel free to look at the other women. Tell her how much prettier they are. Lying ruins relationships.

ADVICE FOR WORK

  • Showing up late doesn’t tell your boss shit other than you know how to rock your shit out!
  • Same for showing up drunk/hung over.
  • And wearing the same clothes.
  • When you take the last of the coffee, throw the pot violently at the wall and yell at Bob for not making more. No one will question he was the last person to drink the coffee. Bobs an asshole.
  • No romance in the work place… unless its your boss. Sexual harassment anyone???
  • Casual Fridays were invented by a man who showed initiative. Show some your self and observe topless Tuesdays.
  • Your boss is an asshole, treat him accordingly. Not only will he appreciate the honesty, but he will see the brown nosers for what they are… agreeable.

ADVICE FOR SCHOOL

  • Pay some one to take your tests for you. Your parents aren’t shelling out all that money for you to get grades that reflect your intelligence. Sun Ziou lives next door slip him a hundo and get daddy that A he’s paying for.
  • Or sleep with your teacher.
  • If you’re a woman and the teacher grades on a curve, dress provocatively. The guys will pay attention to you more than the class work lowering the average grade thus raising your grade higher than their tented pants. (note: this will not work in home ec or theater.)
  • Sleep in class. This will give you more energy when your digging deep for that last keg stand later on in the night.
  • Burn bridges. You will never see these people again.

ADVICE FOR MONEY

  • It does indeed grow on trees. Its made of paper duh…
  • Go wild with it. You could die tomorrow, and unless you have an AMEX black card St. Peters is going on merit alone when it comes to admittance to the pearly gates.
  • Beg, borrow, or steal was invented before security cameras and satellites. Therefore stay away from banks, rob liquor stores. alcoholics use cash so their spouses wont know their buying it, and the cameras inside never work.
  • Make funny money, it may be a capital offense, but so are those awful shoes.
  • Contrary to popular belief, making it rain is a great way to spend money.

      There ya go folks, some of my most prized wisdom passed on to you. Use it well and make sure you tell them where you heard such sage advice.

 

 

A Year Ago

Posted in Military, Politics with tags , , , , , on August 3, 2011 by deviant11b

      As of today I have less than 3 weeks in the great county of Iraq. Today I packed up all my gear, took off all the gadgets on my weapon, and stripped my vest of all the mag pouches. I put everything into boxes and duffel bags, and now my room looks as empty as it did almost a year ago when I got here. A year ago, when for the second time myself and some of my closest friends got on a plane and endured a 18 hour stretch in planes, followed by an even longer 11 1/2 month stint in the hottest, most boring place in Iraq. A year ago when the new guys thought that maybe they just might get into a big firefight and have a Black Hawk Down moment. A year ago when I remembered that another two years prior I was having the same thoughts as I went on my first “rodeo”. Well if these last two deployments were to be called a rodeo, than it would be a rodeo of the mechanical bull sort, set on easy. Of the seven people I deployed with last time, all of us had girlfriends or wives a year ago, now there’s only one of us standing. A year ago when we had our last beer, and a year ago that we were already looking ahead a year to when we would come back home.

      A year ago we got our mission to man checkpoints for a year straight, basically meaning pulling guard from a tower and occasionally searching vehicles. Now for some of you this may seem un-mundane, but to a platoon of infantry men, who joined the Army when the bullets were still flying this was a miserable task that ended up being no more exciting than sitting in on one of Nana’s quilting sessions. A year ago I knew this year was going to suck. But the year passed and no ones dead so we did good, by the Army’s definition of doing good. Is Iraq going to be any better off than when we came? No. When we leave will Iraq be able to defend itself? I don’t know but I’ll be watching it on the news from a Laz-y-boy, with a beer in my hand.

      A lot can change in a year, and it seems like even more changes when you’re not immersed in the “real world” every day. Places you used to go at night shut down or move, leaving you sitting in a dark parking lot feeling like an ass hat. A year ago people I graduated High School were still in college, now they have jobs… or will soon be called DR. People change, or maybe your idea of the person changes, but regardless of which it is a rift is caused. Relatives fall ill, children are born, and life keeps going. The world’s number one most wanted man is killed within a span of a year, the most followed court case since OJ is resolved, and not how people thought either. And favorite hometown teams go from the top to the bottom in a rather inglorious season, leaving me oozing blue from the artery. A year ago I wasnt accepted into college, now I am. A year ago I had a year and a half till I was out of the Army, now I’ve got less than four months. A year ago it was hot here, and that still hasn’t changed, but a year ago there was an American presence everywhere, now…not so much. Even the Army itself changed, no more beret on our heads, capturing the heat and frying our brain. No more ancient PT test, we now have two different physical fitness tests. New MRE, same shitty taste, different shitty color. A general gave an interview, and SUPRISE!!! bashed him and took Obama’s side. Oh and DADT is gone, or at least very soon to be gone.

      As much as things change, some don’t change at all. There are still bills to be paid, making the transition from Army to civilian a bit tricky. The economy hasn’t changed much. We still have the same president, and the same nut jobs with lame excuses calling him a fraud. And as  much as the Army progressed in a year, it still can’t seem to do simple things like lose paper work, get supplies the soldiers need, provide them with clothing. Winter PTs don’t do a whole hell of a lot of good when its 90 degrees out but thanks anyway. The Army is still very good at wasting tax dollars, no matter who is in charge.

     Yep a year ago we left civilization, and soon enough we will be returning to the land of beer, strip clubs, and $3.50 gas. A year ago we stepped on a plane, a year later we step off a plane, and never get on again.

       

All the original 2nd platoon guys while still at Ft. Hood.