Archive for the Politics Category

On Being A Veteran

Posted in Comedy, Humor, Life, Military, Politics on August 15, 2012 by deviant11b

As I write this the date is August 15 2012, I got out of the Army Nov, 18ish 2011 (and I only say the ish part because I was still with my buddies when I had my birthday so of course in true infantry fashion I can’t remember the whole week). Regardless of the fact of when how long its been (9 months and 27 days) or how many beers I’m in (8) the fact is that I am now a civilian, but I’m a civilian with a much different history that most civilians. I go to work now (Mexican chef, and massive over user of parenthesis) and hear people bitch about working 35 or 40 hours a week. I do it too don’t get me wrong, but the difference is that I’ve known 70 hour work weeks, they’ve known 35. Theirs have been in controlled environments, mine have been in a place that can only be described as the ass crack off the shit head that gets fucked in the ass by Satan (sorry mom). But this has been my experience as a veteran.

THE RETURN: Ahh the glorious return, the day when all good men come back and yearn for one thing in their own home town. The taste of the cheapest booze, the comfort of the sleaziest woman, or the brush of the hardest fist against their chin. I’m not talking about getting home from a deployment, because as any good non-NG man knows the first few nights back in the states are spent in a haze of reality and booze induced euphoria/paranoia. I’m talking about going back home to “fuckitwhocares” Indiana, or where ever you may come from. Your friends want to buy you shots, the girls want your attention, and the other men…. well they want what your about to get cuz its gonna be friggin awesome. But what no one knows is that you hate it. You hate being introduced as “my friend who was in the army and deployed and is back home”. You hate being back home because the only people you ever felt close with or thought your could entrust your fucking life with are all spread out across the country. You hate it because the people who are now talking to you and buying you shots are the people you have the least in common with. They went to college at 18, you went to war. For their 21st birthday they went to a bar and got hammered, you went on a patrol and wished for the sight of a beer bottle. They got to live their life, the government told you how to live yours. But we don’t bitch god forbid we desecrate the organization that gets more men one night stands than being the only black man in an Asian version of the spice girls. Basically the return back home is you trying to keep your head down because you don’t want unwanted attention, which after a couple of months out of the military you don’t want at all. Alas I’ve come to the end of the RETURN rant.

THE MIDDLE: Don’t lie, resentment is one of the biggest words in our inner monologue. How is this fucker who went to college making more a year than me? I went to war. I deployed. I did more in four years than anyone else in a 50 mile radius have done in their life time. I change, saved, in some cases took more lives than anyone I know. At this point were all trying to make sense of it all. How did this guy who was a fuck up all through high school suddenly pull his shit together overnight when it took me 4 years(my own time some have done longer) to realize what was really important. How did that girl end up with him rather than you? Simple. It’s because you weren’t there, couldn’t be there, and in some cases shouldn’t be there. In my own experience I shouldn’t have been there, had I gone to school right after high school I would have been offering ZJs under the bridge and believe me if you gotta ask you can’t afford it. but resentment runs high amongst us. We get in fights over it, at least I have. Some girl at a bar that I was into was talking about how she always carries a gun with her so she can “pop” who ever looks at her wrong. I called bullshit on it and had to fight her boyfriend over this stupid shit. Long story short I won, and he tried to show up with a gun later on in the night. Never fear I’m writing this so I must be alive right? my point is that I thought that being a veteran was enough to make it through whatever altercation may have occurred, but I was wrong. There are some people out there that just don’t give a fuck. They want to prove that they are the biggest and baddest piece of shit to ever walk through a set of doors ever. Rest assured I proved him wrong and he is a black eye and a sore ego away from ever proving me wrong, although it did cost me a bloody lip to prove HIM wrong. But that was in my middle stage, I’ve matured at least to my fuck it stage.

FUCK IT: This is where I’m at now. I just don’t care about what I’ve done. I know its more than anyone I know has done, but I just don’t care. Why? Cuz whats the point? So what I’ve done more than most people my age. Thats not why I joined up. Honestly I joined up cuz I watched too many war movies, and I thought that it was all noble. Guess what, it want noble, not all of it at least. A woman was left hanging cuz she tried to turn her husband in and HIGHER said cant do it, she was an American citizen by the way. So what if a week after we left the unit that replaced us lost 4 guys one of which was the same position that I would have been occupying had I been there. So what, fuck it all, I just don’t care anymore. Right now all I care about is making my bill payments and not getting evicted which I’m doing pretty good at..

CONCLUSION: Ive lost track of the point I was trying to make honestly, and I apologize, but in the end this wasn’t meant for my friends from high school, this was meant for my guys I did time with, and the guys that I didn’t do time with that might for some reason stumble upon this. We’re not alone in our hatred for humanity. It may take a certain kind of man to decide to raise his hand and say those magical words that thrust you into the role of the government’s pawn, but it takes an entirely different breed of man to live with it after the kings been captured and you go back to your role off of the chess board.

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Dear America, Remove Stick From Your Ass

Posted in Comedy, Humor, Life, Politics with tags , , , , , , , , , , on August 13, 2011 by deviant11b

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar… heard this one? There used to be a time in America when a joke like this might have been common place. There used to be a time in America when people could joke about homosexuality, race, religion, and other modern-day hot topics. That day is long gone, and unfortunately we most likely will never see it. Recently people like Tracey Morgan have been in the news for telling jokes. They may not have been funny to everyone, but to his audience they were funny, and if you think your gonna see the Tracey Morgan from 30 rock when he’s doing his stand up, than your just retarded. Oops can I say that? America just doesn’t seem to get “funny” anymore. Across America in every work place there are harassment seminars for everything, in fact I’m pretty sure the only people who legally cannot be harassed are white males. Not that its illegal, it’s just that we seem to be the people with the thickest skin. We never run to HR when a female makes a comment about how nice our shirt looks, or complain when we are refered to as “you people”. Now before I get a lot of hate mail let me say this, I hate both racism and sexism. Theres never a place for it, but not everything everyone ever says is out of hate.

      When I first joined the Army I thought I was entering the last great vestige for true men. A place where you worked dirty, played dirty, fought dirty, and talked even dirtier. I was wrong. There are sexual harassment seminars, racism seminars, don’t bash gay people seminars, and pretty much any other seminars you can think of. They don’t serve any purpose. The women here are so hideous that they’re not even worth harassing. More than half of my leadership is some kind of a minority, and no one is going to act so gay that Elton John is going to be in danger of losing his queen crown. So why do we have these seminars? Political correctness. Now there are some situations where being PC is a must. I can’t imagine it would work out too good if Obama made Felipe Calderon speak to him over a ten foot wall and laughed the whole time. But in the average work place a slightly off-color remark can be funny. Now dont go around throwin down the N word, whether it ends in an -er or -a it’s usually a good idea to keep that word holstered.

        America as a whole has become afraid of what other people think of it’s self. When Janet Jackson’s boob was violently ripped out of her top by my personal hero JT the FCC jumped all over it. They acted like no one had ever gone online, or to a book store, or seen an R rated movie. Its was a tit, with a pasty on it! There was nothing to see that can’t be seen at any beach in America. But America had to keep its sexuality under wraps. When Tracy Morgan made that joke about gay people, we acted like we all were offended by the fact that he wanted his kid to have an easier time going through high school. When that dude from Frasier went on that racist rant though, the outrage was justified. Why have the same outrage for three completely different acts? Because America has lost its ability to reason.

       And with all the seminars we have we are still not as PC as we think we are. Is affirmative action really all that PC? Is it politically correct to reward people for being a certain color? Is it politically correct to wear a shirt that shows off your chest, or has small letters going across your nip-line and get offended when people look? I’m not trying to stare, I’m just trying to read your boobs I swear. We have politicians that rally hard against gay marriage, and are later caught in a gay sex scandal. That is not PC, but it is funny. Why is it funny? Because I still have my sense of humor. You know whats not PC? You expecting me to have the same bland sense of humor you do.    

      I’m not even going to touch religion.

      We are the only country that feels the need to continuously apologize for its own history. Yes we had slavery, but then the country fought a civil war. Women were held down, but then there was the suffrage movement. Jim Crowe laws were around, but then they were abolished. My point is that we are one of a handful of countries that can fix whats wrong with it without any outside help. We shouldnt apologize for that, we should celebrate it. While the middle east gets in an uproar over women driving, we have women supreme court judges. While Africa kills each other, we have a black president. While pakistan stones gays to death, we have TV shows about their lives. Whether or not you believe it America is one of the better places to live if you’re not a straight white male.

     So the next time you hear a joke that offends you, just walk away knowing you have a higher moral standard and a more boring sense of humor.

A Year Ago

Posted in Military, Politics with tags , , , , , on August 3, 2011 by deviant11b

      As of today I have less than 3 weeks in the great county of Iraq. Today I packed up all my gear, took off all the gadgets on my weapon, and stripped my vest of all the mag pouches. I put everything into boxes and duffel bags, and now my room looks as empty as it did almost a year ago when I got here. A year ago, when for the second time myself and some of my closest friends got on a plane and endured a 18 hour stretch in planes, followed by an even longer 11 1/2 month stint in the hottest, most boring place in Iraq. A year ago when the new guys thought that maybe they just might get into a big firefight and have a Black Hawk Down moment. A year ago when I remembered that another two years prior I was having the same thoughts as I went on my first “rodeo”. Well if these last two deployments were to be called a rodeo, than it would be a rodeo of the mechanical bull sort, set on easy. Of the seven people I deployed with last time, all of us had girlfriends or wives a year ago, now there’s only one of us standing. A year ago when we had our last beer, and a year ago that we were already looking ahead a year to when we would come back home.

      A year ago we got our mission to man checkpoints for a year straight, basically meaning pulling guard from a tower and occasionally searching vehicles. Now for some of you this may seem un-mundane, but to a platoon of infantry men, who joined the Army when the bullets were still flying this was a miserable task that ended up being no more exciting than sitting in on one of Nana’s quilting sessions. A year ago I knew this year was going to suck. But the year passed and no ones dead so we did good, by the Army’s definition of doing good. Is Iraq going to be any better off than when we came? No. When we leave will Iraq be able to defend itself? I don’t know but I’ll be watching it on the news from a Laz-y-boy, with a beer in my hand.

      A lot can change in a year, and it seems like even more changes when you’re not immersed in the “real world” every day. Places you used to go at night shut down or move, leaving you sitting in a dark parking lot feeling like an ass hat. A year ago people I graduated High School were still in college, now they have jobs… or will soon be called DR. People change, or maybe your idea of the person changes, but regardless of which it is a rift is caused. Relatives fall ill, children are born, and life keeps going. The world’s number one most wanted man is killed within a span of a year, the most followed court case since OJ is resolved, and not how people thought either. And favorite hometown teams go from the top to the bottom in a rather inglorious season, leaving me oozing blue from the artery. A year ago I wasnt accepted into college, now I am. A year ago I had a year and a half till I was out of the Army, now I’ve got less than four months. A year ago it was hot here, and that still hasn’t changed, but a year ago there was an American presence everywhere, now…not so much. Even the Army itself changed, no more beret on our heads, capturing the heat and frying our brain. No more ancient PT test, we now have two different physical fitness tests. New MRE, same shitty taste, different shitty color. A general gave an interview, and SUPRISE!!! bashed him and took Obama’s side. Oh and DADT is gone, or at least very soon to be gone.

      As much as things change, some don’t change at all. There are still bills to be paid, making the transition from Army to civilian a bit tricky. The economy hasn’t changed much. We still have the same president, and the same nut jobs with lame excuses calling him a fraud. And as  much as the Army progressed in a year, it still can’t seem to do simple things like lose paper work, get supplies the soldiers need, provide them with clothing. Winter PTs don’t do a whole hell of a lot of good when its 90 degrees out but thanks anyway. The Army is still very good at wasting tax dollars, no matter who is in charge.

     Yep a year ago we left civilization, and soon enough we will be returning to the land of beer, strip clubs, and $3.50 gas. A year ago we stepped on a plane, a year later we step off a plane, and never get on again.

       

All the original 2nd platoon guys while still at Ft. Hood.

Running In The Middle As An Honest Man

Posted in Humor, Politics with tags , , , , , , on August 3, 2011 by deviant11b

I hate politics with a passion. I hate what it’s come to mean. Dont get me wrong it’s an important part or our country’s success, but its become a fairly broken system, and with the Republicans having no sane candidate Obama has a better shot of winning this election than Lincoln ever knowing what happened at the end of “Our American Cousin”. Heres where I come in, if congress will amend the constitution, call it the Willis amendment, I will run for president. They have to act now though before I’m all old and shit, I mean I’m almost 23 cmon.

I know I can win, it’s too easy. Politicians nowadays think it’s all about having lived a clean life for 50 odd years, well they’re wrong. No one wants a priest leading the country, there’s a reason we slayed those damned red coats, and it wasnt to have our constitution start with “In the beginning God created Heaven and Earth.” I don’t hate religion, in fact I’m religious myself it’s just a good thing religion and government are separated.

Language is another barrier the modern politician has put between them and the people. Economy could easily be “money situation”, welfare turns into “free cash”, and diplomatic ties being severed would henceforth be known as “fuck em then”. Now if you smiled at these translations that means that you to are tired of running to a dictionary every time you see the leader of the country speak.

Scandals… I love them, but I hate the denial. OK Bill you got some fellatio in the oval office, but guess what you’re a man. Just throw up your hands, and in that comical southern twang say “Hell yes I suck toes”. When in a heated debate my opponent will most likely confront me with any number of shortcomings in my life. My internet searches, my Netflix history, Facebook posts, sexual indiscretions, and this shitty blog. I’ll just grin and nod as he presents his evidence. When he’s done I lean in to the microphone and admit that it’s all true. My counterpoint? He has no color in his life, either he has no personal life or, and more likely, he has a much bigger skeleton in his closet. Much worse than a booby movie I rented back in college. Then I will accuse him of murdering his neighbor, or something worse like hating football, apple pie, or Jennifer Anniston.

Spending money is one thing Id put an end to. Congress would get paid by the hour, they don’t wanna work? Fine better find a good side job. The military? Our weapons are already 10-15 years ahead of our enemies, solution? Cut R&D by 75-80% until our stuff becomes out dated. Pass on half the savings to the taxpayers, and the other half will go to a pay increase to infantry and SF soldiers. Would you believe that a soldier in the states who issues out supplies makes as much as a soldier of the same rank whose job it is to get shot at? Well that wouldn’t last with me. All those companies that are outsourcing jobs out to third world countries would change their tactics with me around. I would tax their asses off, wanna be cheap on labor well you’re gonna pay for it in taxes. Tell me I can’t, go ahead I’m the damn president and I got three words for you… state sponsored assassinations. Welfare would get more strict to. I understand there are people who do really need it, but I bet it’s not even close to half of what the number of people drawing it are. It’s not that there are no jobs, it’s that you think your too good to flip burgers, well you aren’t so here’s a cardboard box and directions to the nearest bridge.

Diplomatic Policies are something I know just a little about, but I know enough to realize I shouldnt be making the decisions. Solution? Bring in the best Risk players and have them help me take over the world. Its pretty hard to piss off foreign leaders when you rule the world. But alas heavy is the crown, harder the fall, and absolute corruption will eventually be my downfall.

Through out all of this though I will be honest with my intent, that’s the one thing politicians don’t understand. If they were just honest they could get elected. Id bet most Americans would rather hear the truth, than a dressed up lie. Also don’t apologize. You made the choice for a reason, now stick by it. Tell the people you don’t know how your going to get the country out of debt instead of dancing around the issue, but assure them your working hard on it.

Fortunately for the country though, congress will not amend the constitution, and I will not be able to run for president. Who knows what would happen if I was the president, but I can assure you this. The desk in the oval office would definitely be wide enough for at least two interns.