The 10 things I wont miss at all about the Army

With my separation from the Army a mere four months away, I decided to sit down and come up with the top ten things I will definitely not miss about the Army. For anyone thinking about joining the Army this can serve as ten reasons to not join the Army, and for anyone stuck in the Army for more than a few months this can serve as the top ten reasons to hate your life and wish you were me.

10. Waking up at 5:15 every morning. Now since the first formation is at 6:30 this may seem a bit odd, but I assure you there is a perfectly good explanation for this, I cant think of one but there has to be right? Any way if sitting around outside for more than an hour waiting to run three miles doesn’t do it for you how about this, you don’t get off work until 5 pm at the earliest. Some times you’ll stay until 7. Take into account how little money we make and your earning less than 100 dollars for 13 hours of work.

9. Never knowing what is going on. You would think that an organization such as the Army would usually know what they are supposed to do. I mean if we can launch rockets that find their targets 100 miles away, than how can we not know what time we’re supposed to be some where. Its simply really, we just don’t. Oh and when you don’t show up to the formation you didn’t know about expect to get yelled at for it, and remember it is always your fault.

8. Three hots and a cot? Ha maybe. When they say cot they literally mean cot. When they say three hot meals they don’t mean three hot meals. What they mean is you will eat an MRE that can heat up if your lucky and your heater works, which is about 50% of the time. Or you’ll be out on mission while another platoon is eating dinner and you wont be replaced until after they’ve eaten. By the time you get back the chow hall will be closed and you’ll have to buy your own hot meal.

7. Forced fun days. These are priceless there really is nothing like being told you have to show up to something that is supposed to be fun. A day at the lake can turn pretty horrible when the Army gets involved. Luckily you can drink, and I recommend you do. Nothing keeps your mind off the fact that your leadership is dressed like Tupac (before the shooting) like a cold beer… or ten.

6. Army pep talks. A pep talk in the Army is not like a pep talk from a coach. A pep talk from a coach will raise the hair on your neck and leave you feeling inspired. A pep talk in the Army will leave you wanting to buy the speaker a box set of hooked on phonics out of your own pocket, keep in mind your making less than 100 bux a day. Also the Army is the only place where a pep talk will contain the following statement. “Yall are doin good but if you fuck up Imma do you… HA yeah Imma do you.”…. Ladies and gentlemen, WHAT THE FUCK?

5. Ass kissery. Granted kissery is not a real word but this blog is family friendly so I couldn’t say cock sucking. This and back stabbing go hand in hand. For some people getting promoted is worth selling their soul to the devil. I’m not talking about everyone who gets promoted, I’m just talking about 80% of them. They are easy to spot, their mouths are always open wide so as to easily take whatever is thrown their way. Their kneepads are always on, and they are always the loudest. You have to be loud so when you yell at people everyone can know what a fine job your doing.

4. Army defenders. I don’t have a problem with people who want to stay in the Army the full 20 years, they’re better men than I am to be able to put up with it for that long. What I do have a problem with are the people that will defend the Army no matter what. It doesn’t take a genius to see that the Army has many problems with it. The health care sucks, the pay sucks, the way people are treated is ridiculous, not to mention it is without a doubt the least efficient organization in the world. However, there are always people who swear up and down that the Army is the best thing since the discover of internet porn.

3. How much my brain is always hurting. You know those old Army movies where the drill sergeant is yelling at the soldiers saying how the Army doesn’t pay you to think? Well its true. In basic training after they shave your head the barber should just take out his straight razor and give you a standard issue lobotomy. If you are a semi-educated person the Army is not the place for you. One minute you’ll be getting chewed out for thinking too much, the next you’ll be getting reamed for not thinking enough.

2. The lack of personal freedom. It seems ironic that the people who fight for America’s freedoms get to enjoy very few freedoms themselves. I’m not even talking about the freedom of speech, because it does make sense that we cant say whatever we want to. I’m talking about the freedom to enjoy ourselves when we have a little bit of downtime. There are certain places we cant go, if you want to fly home to see your family over a long weekend you have to ask permission and have a reason, as if I haven’t seen them in six months isn’t a good enough reason already. And filling out a piece of paper telling your leadership everything you plan on doing over a weekend? Come on…

1. Deployments. This one should be easy enough to understand but Ill hash it out anyway. Imagine going to a country that can get up to 120 degrees. Now imagine you have to wear 45 lbs of gear. Now think for a minute that you may be driving along one day and within a second you could lose an arm or a leg or your life. Sounds pretty fun don’t it? Now imagine your married or have a girlfriend, and after six months of dealing with all the things I listed up above she wants a divorce, or is breaking up with you because she cant keep her legs shut. Imagine you have kids and she is going to take them with her. Imagine there is nothing you can do about it because your over here in the land of the sand and she’s over there getting nailed by the electrician while she signs the papers to make it all final. Imagine missing birthdays, thanksgivings, Christmases, children being born, death of loved ones, anything else you can think of. Even if your lucky enough to not have this happen to you it’s always there in the back of your head. In the last two deployments I’ve done the issues above have got to three people enough to make them put a hole in their head for a faster way out. Official cause of death… non combat related injury.

0. I’m going to cheat here and add an 11th reason. What kind of a person the Army makes you. I cant speak to people who have an easy job or are in a better unit, but when your in a unit that makes you watch your back for four years rather than look out for you, you become pretty surely. When you have to act like everything is fine just so you don’t get bitched at you become pretty closed off. When your taught the only way to get through to people is by putting them down and yelling, you tend to become an asshole. And when you fail to follow one of those guidelines your labeled as a shit bag and your career might as well be over. The Army has made some pretty good changes in how I think and behave I cant argue that I’ve become more mature, and see things for more than face value, but is that really worth being colder, meaner, and pretty much one of the biggest narcissists ever?

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