Archive for July, 2011

Future Job Ideas… And Not.

Posted in Comedy with tags , , , , on July 30, 2011 by deviant11b

                   These days I’m not sure of much, but the one thing I am sure is that I’ll be needing to find a new job soon. I’ve thought long and hard and eliminated some options, other choices have stood out as the cream of the crop in this buyers market that is the job hunt.

                  I think I’ll first start off with the obvious eliminations. I cannot ever be a sports star, not because I’m not good enough. I have a six-foot vertical and can run the 40 in just under 2.2 seconds. I have an arm like a cannon and can land a golf ball on a penny. If there are any other clichés about great athletes they don’t apply to me, simply put I am better than they are. No my problem is my ego. It’s too small. I could mull over whether I want to make 30 mil in Miami or 27 mil in New York, and Cleveland HA fuck em. Id get the ball too much, cmon Rodgers pass the ball to someone else. You don’t get championships with players like me on the team. You need to go out and buy all the talent money can buy. Right? Oh wait…

                       Mail order bride also got crossed off the list. First of all the word bride implies womanhood, and since I just pissed standing up I would make a piss poor woman (pun intended and over reached). Second the men who order brides can all be lumped in the same category, and since my idea of a fun day is not sitting in a dark basement playing W.O.W. also size matters, also im straight. Finally I’m a firm believer of the time-tested theory of C&C-Clubbin and Cavin, go out and find a woman the old-fashioned way guys.

                        I played Halo recently on my wonderful Xbox, and while the game was fun I decided I did not want to be Master Chief. For one he always has a female in his head telling him what to do, I need to be my own man. When I’m slaying hordes of aliens with 5.56 I don’t need a feminine voice in my head it’s already bad enough she’s telling me that I have to take a right turn in .03 miles, but now she’s telling me I have to jump into space with nothing but a rifle? Ha no thank you. Also do you know what year Halo takes place? I don’t either but I know it’s after November 2011 and I have no plans of staying in the Army that long.

                     Those are just the jobs I went in-depth about. Some others that didn’t make the list were: gynecologist, phone sex operator, horse jockey, the black guy in every scary movie, parachute tester, stripper, and urologist.

                     Now on to the jobs I’m planning on excelling at, the first one being a bank robber. I’ve seen enough movies to know that as long as I take enough time to plan the heist, nothing could go wrong. I’ll need an accomplice or two, a getaway driver to speed us to safety, and maybe a guy (or gal) on the inside. I plan on bankrolling massive benders with the loot I take from the rich white collars of America.

                   Demotivators are not in high demand meaning I will have a job as soon as I want it. Basically if your feeling too good about yourself come see me and I will tell you that the beauty mark on your thigh is really a mole growing hair faster than Chewy on rogaine. That promotion you are working so hard for will likely go to the hot chick who visits the boss in his private office. To the overly optimistic children of the world I’ll give this advice, get really good at asking if you’d like fries with that because you will never be an astronaut, and you were most likely the result of an expired condom.

                  Dental assistant watch Horrible Bosses and tell me this is a bad choice.

                

                What I really aspire to be though is a wandering free agent of humanity. Lesser learned folks might call my ilk homeless, but we live in poverty by choice, much like Friar Tuck. The world will be my home… and my toilet. Who needs water when you have beer, and who needs food when you have crack.

10 Things To Do If There Is No Football

Posted in Comedy, Sports with tags , , , , on July 17, 2011 by deviant11b

I figured since my last entry was a top ten list, I should do another. And since imitation is the most sincere form of flattery I’m really just paying myself a big compliment. I’m a huge football fan, love the colts, and love that my quarterback will always be better than yours. However, if this lockout thing doesn’t end soon, I’m going to have a lot of free time on my hands this fall. Because of this I’ve decided to come up with a list of things we football fans can do to help pass the time.

10. Pick up a religion. Since football lands on Sundays many people will be left with nothing to do. I suggest picking up a religion. Many of the stories in religious texts can play out like a good football game. Take David and Goliath. We’ll call Goliath the modern day Patriots, unless you’re a fan you hate em. David can be any other team. Well Goliath is always winning battles through sheer brute strength, but David steps up and take a shotgun snap from God in his hand is a tiny pebble. With Manning (Eli or Peyton doesn’t matter both have slain the modern day philistine) like accuracy nails Goliath in the head and ends his reign of terror.

9. Play through the season on the newest madden game. I know that’s what Ill be doing. I’m even going to make pre game shows and interview all my friends and family. How long as he been playing this game. How do you like his chances against Footballz89 from Cleveland. What do you think the score will be? 112-3 I think so. Each person I interview will then shake his head, lets be serious when I’m doing this its not like Ill have a girlfriend, and mutter under his breath how I need to get a life.

8. Be productive. Think of all those Sundays and Monday nights Ill have free now, and when we get further into the season Thursdays as well, when the playoffs come around Saturdays to. I’m going to have so much more time this year I wont know what to do. Maybe Ill pick up a new hobby, get a side job, or start reading those “For Dummies” books to learn myself a little something. Who knows with about 18 hours a week freed up there is no telling what Ill be able to do.

7. Go to the bars to actually meet women. This one sounds crazy, I know but hear me out. When I’m at a bar prospective mates have to compete with Sports center for my attention. I don’t care how low cut your dress is, Bob Sanders laying someone out going full steam is always more impressive. Now that there is no football I can give my full attention to the cleavage you are trying to peddle, and in the morning we can play a game called don’t wake daddy. ( That’s a living at home with parents joke, not a West Virginia joke.)

6. Watch futbol. I know it’s the bastard son of the real game of football, but it can still be entertaining right?

5. Catch up on all the teen drama movies I’ve been missing out on. That Bella girl really does have a tough choice to make. Edward or Jacob? Both can easily snap her in two with just one pelvic thrust so I guess she has to ask herself does she like it hot or cold? Also this Harry Potter thing is coming to an end, could be interesting. Oh and I really want to see if Justin Bieber really does never say never.

4. Watch football movies. The Replacements, Any Given Sunday, The Longest Yard, Remember the Titans, The Blind Side, Rudy, Radio, Gridiron Gang. All these have great football action and take much less time to watch than an actual football game, it’s a win-win situation.

3. Start following real news. Did you know Casey Anthony was found innocent? Did you know there were two wars going on right now? How about Arnie, how’s he and his maid doing? If this were in the middle of football season I wouldn’t know about any of these stories. CNN would just be that company that owns Sports Illustrated instead of the leading news organization. There’s a whole world going on out there past the end zone and I intend to find out about it.

2. Play fantasy Hollywood. Get a few of your friends together and draft the biggest stars. My number one pick Leonardo DiCaprio. Cant go wrong with a guy who made over 500 million in just two movies. My sleeper, a late round Matthew Mccanoughey. Lincoln Lawyer really showed that he can step out of the back up QB role of Rom-coms and take the leading spot of a dramatic actor.

1. Compile statistics on other things. In one week my dog went to the bathroom twice as much as he did during the same week last year. Could it have been the different kind of food we got him on. Or maybe it’s the weather messing with his head. Also could he have become used to pooping under pressure as the neighbors two dogs watch as the dukies drop from Duke. Who knows but I can tell you its going to be a rough season for who ever is mowing our yard.

0. Just like my last list I’m going to cheat and add an 11th thing I plan on doing. Mourning. I’ve already got my black football jersey with the number 2011 on it, and every Sunday that football is not played I plan on going to Lucas Oil Stadium with that jersey and laying a single flower at the steps of the place. I’m going to talk to it like it can hear me. Tell it how much I miss it. Update it on the latest goings on in my life. And than I’m going to take a puff on my cigarette, look solemnly at that great house of football, go home and arm myself to the teeth, and set out on a revenge mission.

 

* As a side note when I typed futbol it came up as a misspelling. When I clicked on it, it suggested to change it to football. Ha take that Mexico, South America, Europe, Africa, and Australia. Merica, fuck yeah.

The 10 things I wont miss at all about the Army

Posted in Comedy, Military with tags , , , , , , on July 17, 2011 by deviant11b

With my separation from the Army a mere four months away, I decided to sit down and come up with the top ten things I will definitely not miss about the Army. For anyone thinking about joining the Army this can serve as ten reasons to not join the Army, and for anyone stuck in the Army for more than a few months this can serve as the top ten reasons to hate your life and wish you were me.

10. Waking up at 5:15 every morning. Now since the first formation is at 6:30 this may seem a bit odd, but I assure you there is a perfectly good explanation for this, I cant think of one but there has to be right? Any way if sitting around outside for more than an hour waiting to run three miles doesn’t do it for you how about this, you don’t get off work until 5 pm at the earliest. Some times you’ll stay until 7. Take into account how little money we make and your earning less than 100 dollars for 13 hours of work.

9. Never knowing what is going on. You would think that an organization such as the Army would usually know what they are supposed to do. I mean if we can launch rockets that find their targets 100 miles away, than how can we not know what time we’re supposed to be some where. Its simply really, we just don’t. Oh and when you don’t show up to the formation you didn’t know about expect to get yelled at for it, and remember it is always your fault.

8. Three hots and a cot? Ha maybe. When they say cot they literally mean cot. When they say three hot meals they don’t mean three hot meals. What they mean is you will eat an MRE that can heat up if your lucky and your heater works, which is about 50% of the time. Or you’ll be out on mission while another platoon is eating dinner and you wont be replaced until after they’ve eaten. By the time you get back the chow hall will be closed and you’ll have to buy your own hot meal.

7. Forced fun days. These are priceless there really is nothing like being told you have to show up to something that is supposed to be fun. A day at the lake can turn pretty horrible when the Army gets involved. Luckily you can drink, and I recommend you do. Nothing keeps your mind off the fact that your leadership is dressed like Tupac (before the shooting) like a cold beer… or ten.

6. Army pep talks. A pep talk in the Army is not like a pep talk from a coach. A pep talk from a coach will raise the hair on your neck and leave you feeling inspired. A pep talk in the Army will leave you wanting to buy the speaker a box set of hooked on phonics out of your own pocket, keep in mind your making less than 100 bux a day. Also the Army is the only place where a pep talk will contain the following statement. “Yall are doin good but if you fuck up Imma do you… HA yeah Imma do you.”…. Ladies and gentlemen, WHAT THE FUCK?

5. Ass kissery. Granted kissery is not a real word but this blog is family friendly so I couldn’t say cock sucking. This and back stabbing go hand in hand. For some people getting promoted is worth selling their soul to the devil. I’m not talking about everyone who gets promoted, I’m just talking about 80% of them. They are easy to spot, their mouths are always open wide so as to easily take whatever is thrown their way. Their kneepads are always on, and they are always the loudest. You have to be loud so when you yell at people everyone can know what a fine job your doing.

4. Army defenders. I don’t have a problem with people who want to stay in the Army the full 20 years, they’re better men than I am to be able to put up with it for that long. What I do have a problem with are the people that will defend the Army no matter what. It doesn’t take a genius to see that the Army has many problems with it. The health care sucks, the pay sucks, the way people are treated is ridiculous, not to mention it is without a doubt the least efficient organization in the world. However, there are always people who swear up and down that the Army is the best thing since the discover of internet porn.

3. How much my brain is always hurting. You know those old Army movies where the drill sergeant is yelling at the soldiers saying how the Army doesn’t pay you to think? Well its true. In basic training after they shave your head the barber should just take out his straight razor and give you a standard issue lobotomy. If you are a semi-educated person the Army is not the place for you. One minute you’ll be getting chewed out for thinking too much, the next you’ll be getting reamed for not thinking enough.

2. The lack of personal freedom. It seems ironic that the people who fight for America’s freedoms get to enjoy very few freedoms themselves. I’m not even talking about the freedom of speech, because it does make sense that we cant say whatever we want to. I’m talking about the freedom to enjoy ourselves when we have a little bit of downtime. There are certain places we cant go, if you want to fly home to see your family over a long weekend you have to ask permission and have a reason, as if I haven’t seen them in six months isn’t a good enough reason already. And filling out a piece of paper telling your leadership everything you plan on doing over a weekend? Come on…

1. Deployments. This one should be easy enough to understand but Ill hash it out anyway. Imagine going to a country that can get up to 120 degrees. Now imagine you have to wear 45 lbs of gear. Now think for a minute that you may be driving along one day and within a second you could lose an arm or a leg or your life. Sounds pretty fun don’t it? Now imagine your married or have a girlfriend, and after six months of dealing with all the things I listed up above she wants a divorce, or is breaking up with you because she cant keep her legs shut. Imagine you have kids and she is going to take them with her. Imagine there is nothing you can do about it because your over here in the land of the sand and she’s over there getting nailed by the electrician while she signs the papers to make it all final. Imagine missing birthdays, thanksgivings, Christmases, children being born, death of loved ones, anything else you can think of. Even if your lucky enough to not have this happen to you it’s always there in the back of your head. In the last two deployments I’ve done the issues above have got to three people enough to make them put a hole in their head for a faster way out. Official cause of death… non combat related injury.

0. I’m going to cheat here and add an 11th reason. What kind of a person the Army makes you. I cant speak to people who have an easy job or are in a better unit, but when your in a unit that makes you watch your back for four years rather than look out for you, you become pretty surely. When you have to act like everything is fine just so you don’t get bitched at you become pretty closed off. When your taught the only way to get through to people is by putting them down and yelling, you tend to become an asshole. And when you fail to follow one of those guidelines your labeled as a shit bag and your career might as well be over. The Army has made some pretty good changes in how I think and behave I cant argue that I’ve become more mature, and see things for more than face value, but is that really worth being colder, meaner, and pretty much one of the biggest narcissists ever?