Letter To My Formally Retarded and Younger Self

Dear Mr. Willis

Let me first start off by saying you are not as big of a bad ass as you might think you are, also you are not, have never been, and never will be black. I know how much this may come as a shock to you since I was you, and in a few years you will be me writing this to you, but please do not over react by throwing on an Eminem CD and thinking to yourself how no knows you. Now that I have covered your social follies let me get to the heart of why I’m writing this letter. You need to get it the fuck together. Study a bit, do your homework, and stop fucking around. You have no idea how much easier your life will be, and how much more you will enjoy it if you would just get it together. As of right now if you stay on the path your on you will barely graduate highschool with your parents on your ass. You will enlist in the Army thinking you know what you’re getting to. When really you need to stop watching Black Hawk Down. Maybe you should watch a movie where they do push ups all day in 120 degree heat, work on vehicles they never use, carry weapons they never shoot, and follow orders that were likely conceived by a pair of monkeys who took a break from slinging shit at each other to come up with better ways to fuck with soldiers. But alas there is no such movie, no one would watch it, and it would do away with the notion that the Army is a bad ass organization. But this letter is not meant to bash the Army, in four years an Australian will make a website and leak information from a pissed off soldier that will bash it enough. This letter is to bash you and your past, previous, and future decisions. To continue, if you stay on this path you will lose people closest to you, with the decisions you make. No they wont die, but they might as well. Also you need to open your eyes and realize that you have something good going on right now, and don’t give that up because when you do you wont get her back and that sucks… a lot. Also along this path you will miss out on going to college with your friends, sure I’ll be going to college soon, but I’ll go in blind with no one there I know. I’m also going in not having used 80% of my brain for the last 4 years (the Army discourages thinking probably makes it harder to run in front of bullets if you think about it, but there I go, thinking again). Anyway use your brain more than you are now. You know alot more than you think you do. Im not telling you to behave in school, please act worse than you do now. Torment your teachers, some of them deserve it, but keep your grades up and that way theres nothing they can do to you. Act like an asshole before you turn 18 and its prison instead of detention. I know I’m asking a lot of you, and you know what? I know none of this will sink in. I know that you have a thick head and a thicker skull and if advice was to ever seep into your head it would only be after an Armageddon type drilling saga. You will toss this letter aside and tell yourself that you know better than an adult who’s done what you’re doing. Because I know this I will tell you what to expect so maybe you can prepare for it. Ready? Here it is…

Get ready for the hardest, most painful, mind dulling experience of your life. Get ready for the best, eye-opening, and most rewarding experience of your life. Get ready for a lot of fun. It will be very hard, you’ll wanna stop at times and quit, but for what ever reason you wont. It will hurt like hell. You’ll go to bed some nights feeling lower than the seventh circle of hell. You’ll ruin relationships. Your body will ache, and places will hurt like you’ve never imagined. There will be times you are more miserable than those times when your dad stopped at an antique shop on the way to your grandparents. Pretty bad I know. It gets better though, you will spend 4 years away from your family and friends, and 2 years away from America entirely. You will go to places so hot if you set a can of soup outside in the sun you’ll be able to eat it half an hour later… and have to wait to cool it down. Simply put the next four years will be some of the hardest in your life, but tough it out because if you do it will be some of the best years in your life. You will make new relationships and make friends that you will probably stay in touch with for the rest of your life. You will see places that only a few people will ever see, you will do things that even fewer people will ever do or could for that matter. The experiences you have will be priceless and you will remember them for the rest of your life. You will push your boundaries and will find out what you can accomplish if you really want it. You will shoot guns, blow stuff up ride in helicopters, and do all the things you used to make your GI Joes do, except simulate sex with Barbie. Wait you’ll do that to… its nice, although they don’t all look like Barbie. Most importantly you will mature and figure out what you want out of life… kind of. Youlll want college, a good job, and a family. And one day you will wake up and have nothing to do, so you will sit down and write a letter to yourself. All in all if I had to do it again I would, in a heart beat. I would go back to where you’re sitting right now, toss this letter aside, throw on some FUBU, and not change a thing.

From, David Willis


One Response to “Letter To My Formally Retarded and Younger Self”

  1. […] are some of your most formative years. My junior year of high school I thought I was black (read https://deviant11b.wordpress.com/2011/06/25/letter-to-my-formally-retarded-and-younger-self/ for more information on that delusion) yes like ghetto black. My pants showed off my boxers, my […]

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