Archive for June, 2011

IRAQ: Chick Flicks, False Alarms, and Stupid Shit.

Posted in Comedy, Military with tags , , , , , on June 29, 2011 by deviant11b

People often ask what Iraq is like, and I usually respond like a dick head and say hot. I don’t know what they expect to hear though. Maybe that its like that shitty hollywood movie The Hurt Locker, but that couldn’t be further from the truth, everything in that movie is trash. EOD doesn’t do have the shit they do in that movie, all they do is defuse bombs with robots or explosives. They don’t roll out the gate by themselves, or step in front of traffic with only a pistol, and they definitely dont meet up with a bunch of mercenaries and become snipers within a few minutes. It’s not like Black Hawk Down, although that movie is much more realistic, it’s just that there is not that much going on here. No it’s not like the movies at all.

I sat down and thought about what Iraq was really like, and I came up with this, Iraq is full of chick flicks, false alarms, and lots of stupid shit.

The chick flicks aspect is probably the most interesting aspect. We of course watch all the movies that come out, but sometimes the movies being watched the most are the chick flicks. Devil Wears Prada, Easy A, Four Christmases, Ghosts of Girl Friends Past, He’s Just Not That Into You, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Life As We Know It, Love Actually, Nick and Norah Infinite Play List, The Ugly Truth, What Happens In Vegas, 500 Days of Summer, and 27 Dresses are a few of what we’ve seen over here. I have to say my favorite is He’s Just Not That Into You because it really is true all the things that guy says in there. Although 500 Days of Summer is great to because it shows how evil some women can be. I don’t know why we watch so many chick flicks over here when back in the states we make fun of the person being dragged to the notebook by his wife, but I have some theories. My first theory is that since most action movies are military related we can so easily poke holes in them, saying how they got something wrong, or how that’s not actually how they would do that. And since most guys in the Army’s definition of a functual relationship is a $20 lap dance at the cheapest club in town we can’t poke holes at people trying to fix relationships. Although it does bother a couple of us how right before the movies end, right before they reconcile, one of them is always planning on moving far away. As if their life in New York is ruined because they got involved in a tricky love triangle which isn’t as bad as it looked, so they decide to move to Oregon. My second theory is that we are so devoid of estrogen, and so over dosed with testosterone that we don’t want to watch cock diesle men running around flipping cars and shooting people. We’d rather watch a pretty woman dump an asshole and find a nice guy only to go back to the asshole, and realize just before the movie ends that the asshole isn’t for her. My third theory is that Dont Ask Dont Tell turned the whole Army gay and now we just want to watch Matthew Mcconoughey walk around without a shirt. I’m leaning towards the first two theories, but the third one is still taggin along at 1:6,000,000 odds.

False alarms in the states are when a smoke detector goes off because you’ve been smoking in a non ventilated room. In Iraq a false alarm is when you hear a gunshot and ten guys run outside ready to shoot some one, scare an Iraqi, and finally learn the “gunshot” was just a 16 wheeler’s tire popping. With each false alarm that passes we just get even more wound up. I guess false alarms are actually bad for the bad guys. When something finally does happen we’re going to be so wound tight and ready to finally do something that the bad guy wouldn’t last longer than an ice-cube on the face of the sun. They are taxing though, the flow of adrenaline and the quick drop makes you feel like you came close to sealing the deal with Megan Fox only to be kicked off the Empire State Building… very frustrating.

Ah stupid shit, without it the Army would run so much smoother and the government would save billions of dollars, but then again it wouldn’t be the Army. Stupid shit covers all kinds of things such as bringing million dollar vehicles to Iraq, costing millions of dollars in shipping, only to sit in one place for a year. We don’t even have the ammo we’d need for them. Stupid shit is putting up million dollar camera equipment only to take them down four months later. Stupid shit is doing push ups for 9 straight hours, because some one lost a pair of binoculars. But really I love the stupid shit, it gives me something to look forward to. The days when I’m free to think and question authority, or just throw a stapler at my boss as I quit my job in a blaze of glory… and poor references. It’s not really that bad just sometimes someone does or says something that leaves you scratching a hole through your cranium.

Now if I’ve made it seem that Iraq is about a bunch of homoerotic men with guns and hair triggers with nothing to do but do push ups in the dirt all day long, that’s because it is. I think now you’ll understand why I just tell people it’s hot.

Letter To My Formally Retarded and Younger Self

Posted in Uncategorized on June 25, 2011 by deviant11b

Dear Mr. Willis

Let me first start off by saying you are not as big of a bad ass as you might think you are, also you are not, have never been, and never will be black. I know how much this may come as a shock to you since I was you, and in a few years you will be me writing this to you, but please do not over react by throwing on an Eminem CD and thinking to yourself how no knows you. Now that I have covered your social follies let me get to the heart of why I’m writing this letter. You need to get it the fuck together. Study a bit, do your homework, and stop fucking around. You have no idea how much easier your life will be, and how much more you will enjoy it if you would just get it together. As of right now if you stay on the path your on you will barely graduate highschool with your parents on your ass. You will enlist in the Army thinking you know what you’re getting to. When really you need to stop watching Black Hawk Down. Maybe you should watch a movie where they do push ups all day in 120 degree heat, work on vehicles they never use, carry weapons they never shoot, and follow orders that were likely conceived by a pair of monkeys who took a break from slinging shit at each other to come up with better ways to fuck with soldiers. But alas there is no such movie, no one would watch it, and it would do away with the notion that the Army is a bad ass organization. But this letter is not meant to bash the Army, in four years an Australian will make a website and leak information from a pissed off soldier that will bash it enough. This letter is to bash you and your past, previous, and future decisions. To continue, if you stay on this path you will lose people closest to you, with the decisions you make. No they wont die, but they might as well. Also you need to open your eyes and realize that you have something good going on right now, and don’t give that up because when you do you wont get her back and that sucks… a lot. Also along this path you will miss out on going to college with your friends, sure I’ll be going to college soon, but I’ll go in blind with no one there I know. I’m also going in not having used 80% of my brain for the last 4 years (the Army discourages thinking probably makes it harder to run in front of bullets if you think about it, but there I go, thinking again). Anyway use your brain more than you are now. You know alot more than you think you do. Im not telling you to behave in school, please act worse than you do now. Torment your teachers, some of them deserve it, but keep your grades up and that way theres nothing they can do to you. Act like an asshole before you turn 18 and its prison instead of detention. I know I’m asking a lot of you, and you know what? I know none of this will sink in. I know that you have a thick head and a thicker skull and if advice was to ever seep into your head it would only be after an Armageddon type drilling saga. You will toss this letter aside and tell yourself that you know better than an adult who’s done what you’re doing. Because I know this I will tell you what to expect so maybe you can prepare for it. Ready? Here it is…

Get ready for the hardest, most painful, mind dulling experience of your life. Get ready for the best, eye-opening, and most rewarding experience of your life. Get ready for a lot of fun. It will be very hard, you’ll wanna stop at times and quit, but for what ever reason you wont. It will hurt like hell. You’ll go to bed some nights feeling lower than the seventh circle of hell. You’ll ruin relationships. Your body will ache, and places will hurt like you’ve never imagined. There will be times you are more miserable than those times when your dad stopped at an antique shop on the way to your grandparents. Pretty bad I know. It gets better though, you will spend 4 years away from your family and friends, and 2 years away from America entirely. You will go to places so hot if you set a can of soup outside in the sun you’ll be able to eat it half an hour later… and have to wait to cool it down. Simply put the next four years will be some of the hardest in your life, but tough it out because if you do it will be some of the best years in your life. You will make new relationships and make friends that you will probably stay in touch with for the rest of your life. You will see places that only a few people will ever see, you will do things that even fewer people will ever do or could for that matter. The experiences you have will be priceless and you will remember them for the rest of your life. You will push your boundaries and will find out what you can accomplish if you really want it. You will shoot guns, blow stuff up ride in helicopters, and do all the things you used to make your GI Joes do, except simulate sex with Barbie. Wait you’ll do that to… its nice, although they don’t all look like Barbie. Most importantly you will mature and figure out what you want out of life… kind of. Youlll want college, a good job, and a family. And one day you will wake up and have nothing to do, so you will sit down and write a letter to yourself. All in all if I had to do it again I would, in a heart beat. I would go back to where you’re sitting right now, toss this letter aside, throw on some FUBU, and not change a thing.

From, David Willis